


It Started With A Kiss

by thinkinghardhardlythinking



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28618938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkinghardhardlythinking/pseuds/thinkinghardhardlythinking
Summary: You and Jensen have been best friends since you met when you were 13. You have also been in love with him since then but he’s so popular there’s no hope for real romance, right?I was taking part in a SPN Bingo which forced my hand into writing RPF which I was a little unsure about but it ended up being super fun.For narrative purposes there is no Daneel or Ackles kiddiwinks. No ill will meant and upmost respect for the whole Family Ackles. I was just writing a story.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles & Reader, Jensen Ackles/Reader, Jensen Ackles/You
Comments: 21
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Christmas 1995

“You came!” Jensen shouted over ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ as you made your way through the crowd of kids, some at more advanced stages of drunkeness than others.

“You told me I had to! You’ve been bullying me into coming all week!” You said, laughing.

“Yeah but I still thought there was a chance you’d just stay at home watching ‘Friends’ or something.”

“I was tempted. I want to see if Ross and Rachel actually get their shit together. Don’t act like you’re too good for ‘Friends.’”

He laughed. “Never. But I’m glad you came. You look great by the way.” He said, pulling you in for a quick hug. “Mmmm, smell good too.”

He did this, you reminded yourself. It was his way. He made everyone feel special. He always said the right and most charming thing. It wasn’t really about you, although the smile you that make its way across your face felt very real. You didn’t tell him that you had tried on everything you owned trying to find an outfit for tonight or that your room had looked like a bomb site after you had thrown discarded clothing options all over it. Or that it had taken hours to do your make up and blow dry your hair. All because Scotty Powell’s parents were away and he was throwing this stupid party. All because Jensen had asked you to come. It wasn’t a date. He’d have to see you as something more than just a friend for that to be the case and if the past three years had taught you anything it was that that wasn’t the case.

“You guys know Y/N, right?” He asked the group that he’d been talking to when you got there, the group of kids you knew from school who had all been stood around him, hanging on his every word. They replied with ‘Yeah’s and ‘How’s it goin’?’s but you knew it was just because of Jensen. 

Everyone loved him. He was popular and as the saying went guys wanted to be him and girls wanted to be with him, some guys too you were sure. He was on the Student Council. The baseball team. He did sports and Theatre and no one even gave him shit about it, not really. Everyone had even seen those cheesy modelling pictures and whereas any other kid would have got bullied mercilessly, somehow it never got beyond gentle ribbing with him. He was Co-Captain of the Bell Guard for Christ’s sake, and that was pretty much cheerleading! It was just impossible not to be impressed with him and want to be his friend…or his girlfriend. It wasn’t just that he was ridiculously cute or that he had this effortless and easy charm that felt like the freakin’ sun, it wasn’t even that his Dad had been on the TV, in ‘Dallas’ no less which made all the Mom’s excited…he was just special. And everyone could feel it. Special and popular; two things you definitely weren’t.

“Let’s go get you a drink.” He said, the look of sadness on the face of Brianna Mayer as he spoke was not wasted on you. She obviously had a crush on him. But then again, who didn’t?

You followed him into the kitchen where he filled you a red cup from the tapped keg and passed it to you.

“So…what have I missed so far?” You asked as you watched him refill his own cup, speaking loudly and staying fairly close so as to be heard over the guys using the kitchen table for beer pong and Kelly Saunders making out with Vinnie Garcia over by the fridge. So much from her out of town boyfriend.

“Um…people gettin’ trashed. It’s still early so no major gossip as yet. Although Debbie Bryant went upstairs with Richard Schiff about an hour ago and people seem to be very excited about that.”

“Jesus…high school keggers…how totally fun and not at all lame and depressing.” You said, sarcasm dripping from every word.

He leaned back against the counter tops and raised an eyebrow at you. “I told you to come but I also told you to try and have fun. Parties are supposed to be fun, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, for you. Because everyone loves you. You’re like the guy in the movie who walks down the hall and everyone looks at you and high fives you and daydreams about you and shit. For me this is just a house full of kids I see every fucking day and who I don’t really need to watch get wasted and dry hump each other. I’m not the cheerleader or the prom queen. These are not my people.”

He rolled his eyes at you. “I’m here. And you don’t hate everyone. There are people you like around. Can you try and enjoy it…just a little bit…just for me?”

“Urgh! Fine.” You said, taking a sip of your foamy beer from your cup. “But my pained effort is your Christmas present this year…so…Merry Christmas.”

He smiled at you in a ‘So be it’ gesture. “Parties aren’t all bad. We met at a party.”

“Yeah…but not like this….we were 13….and if I remember rightly I didn’t want to go to that one either but I got talked into it by stupid friends.”

“Yeah….some of those stupid friends are outside, I think.” He said, laughing. “You had fun though, right? I mean, once you met me?” He did his faux arrogant face but actually he wasn’t wrong. 

He’d been cute even then, even though you didn’t really know much about boys then. Not that you knew that much more now. He’d known a friend of a friend at Tina Slater’s birthday party and someone had said he was going to be going to LV Berkner High School, same as you, in the fall. You’d been shy to talk to him but he’d had that bewitching charm and confidence even then. He always said he was shy and you knew that he kind of was but he didn’t really seem it. You had to know him pretty well to see the signs of it in him and you did now, but then when he’d introduced himself you’d thought he was the coolest guy on the planet. To be fair, you weren’t wrong.

“Maybe.” You said laughing. “But mainly because I didn’t know I’d sealed my fate and that we were gonna end up spending every day together once school started.”

“You fuckin’ loved every minute of it.” He said, punching you on your arm lightly. Like guys did, you thought. Like they did with friends that they were fond of but didn’t see as anything more. “Hey….didn’t we kiss that night?”

You tried to control yourself so you don’t choke on your beer. “Um…not sure ‘Spin the Bottle’ constitutes a real kiss.” You said.

“Felt real enough to me.” He pulled a pouty face as he shrugged. “Wanna go see who’s hangin’ outside?”

You nodded and followed him out still thinking. It had felt pretty real to you too. It would, you guessed, it was your first kiss. Ever. You hadn’t even wanted to play the stupid game but you didn’t want to seem lame. You’d hoped, really hoped, it would land on him. And then when it did….you could still remember the surge of excitement and nerves. He’d reached over the bottle to kiss you, sweet and chaste, with soft but closed lips. Then when it was your turn again you were relieved and happy to find it landed on him….again. There was no one else in the circle you would ever want to kiss. All the other boys were gross. Except for him.

‘You have to use tongues now!’ Tina had shouted out in a sing song voice.

‘What?’ You’d said, panicking. How did you even do that? And in front of all those people? ‘Those are not the rules.’ You weren’t sure what the rules were but they couldn’t be that, surely? 

‘I don’t mind, if you don’t.’ Jensen had said and everyone had made annoying ‘wooo’ noises, and mostly because you didn’t want to look bad or boring, you’d shrugged and said ‘OK, fine.’

And he’d reached over the circle again and kissed you, but this time he’d opened his lips and you had followed his lead, trying not to freak out when you’d felt his tongue in your mouth and when he’d moved it against yours. It hadn’t lasted very long, the baying crowd had been off putting for you both, but it had been your first proper kiss. And it had been with Jensen who would go on to be the most popular boy in school. You’d never told him that you hadn’t kissed anyone else before. You’d also never told him that you’d had a crush on him ever since that day. And now he was your best friend which was great but that was sort of why you hated parties like this. Sure, you’d hang out but at some point you’d both get drunk and some girl would start talking to him and you’d had enough of watching him making out with cheerleaders and the hottest girls in school or worse him disappearing ‘upstairs’ with them. The first few times it had happened you’d either locked yourself in the bathroom crying secretly or just gone home. If you were ever cold or distant the next day, he’d ask you what was wrong and you couldn’t tell him, how could you tell him? He didn’t ever see you like that and it was also just beyond ridiculous. He was Jensen. If high school was a movie, he’d be the male lead and the film would slow down when he walked just to linger on him in slo mo whilst an Aerosmith song would play or something. You doubted you’d even be an extra in the movie. Or maybe. Maybe you’d be some girl who watched him go by and leaned against her locker and sighed and went home and wrote bad poetry about him. He was James Spader in ‘Pretty in Pink’ and you weren’t even Molly Ringwald. You were Ducky. No one wanted to be Ducky. So you’d learned to hide it when it hurt. But, man….did it hurt.

You found your group of buddies and sat by the lit fire pit, letting the flames warm you and said ‘Hi’ and asked how they were and people talked about Christmas coming up and their plans. You could still hear the music from inside. ‘This Is How We Do It’ was playing. 

The subject turned to college applications and plans and ‘Next Christmas’ and where it would find you.

“I don’t know, man, I’m thinking I might go to LA…see if I can get an acting gig out there?” Jensen said to Ray.

You felt the pang in your heart. This was a new idea of his and he’d floated it a couple of times. You couldn’t bear the thought. It had been easier when he’d been thinking of going to Texas Tech to do physical therapy stuff. The idea of not seeing him every day, of him being so far away, rendered you devastated. You had hoped he might just be thinking out loud and that the idea would fade but if anything it seemed to be gaining traction.

“Yeah?” Ray said. “Fuck, dude, that’s awesome!!” 

“I’m gonna go get another drink!” You said, draining your cup and standing up. “You want another?” You asked him. 

He smiled and nodded and offered you his cup and you made your way back to the kitchen to get refills.

A girl you didn’t know that well but who was in your Chem Class offered you a shot. You took it. And another. And another.

“What the fuck is it?” You asked through your grimace.

“Peach schnapps.” She slurred back. “But here…let’s do a vodka shot!” 

You did that too, hating the taste of it as you felt that self destructive need for oblivion in the face of complicated feelings take over.

“Hey…you’re friends with Jensen Ackles, right?” She asked.

“Mmmm hmmm.” You said, making your way to the keg to refill the red cups.

“What’s his deal?”

“His deal?”

“He’s so fuckin’ cute. Could you maybe introduce us or something?”

“Um…” That would be hard seeing as you couldn’t remember her name. “Yeah…sure….” You said, not knowing what else to say. Thankfully some of her friends entered the kitchen, apparently Debbie Bryant was downstairs again, fresh from her time alone with Richard Schiff and there was clearly lots to talk about but you were grateful for the opportunity to skulk back to the fire pit without her. 

You passed Jensen his cup and he moved up on the makeshift log ‘seat’ so you could sit next to him. He was talking to Ray still but after a moment or too he turned to you.

“You OK?” He asked.

“Yeah.” You said, forcing a smile and fake brightness into your tone. Which obviously he saw through.

“You know if I go to LA, you can come visit and I’ll still come back home all the time.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“And we can email. I might get a cell phone so we can talk all the time.”

“A cell phone? Jesus…who has a cell phone? You’re going all LA before you’ve even gone.”

“Well…I’m not going anywhere right now.”

“I know.” You said, looking at him like you didn’t know what he was making such a big deal about. Even though it took all the effort you could muster to fake nonchalance. And then people started talking about Brad PItt and whether ‘Se7en’ was a better movie than ‘12 monkeys’ and suddenly everyone was talking movies.

The shots started to kick in around the time people were discussing the Batman movie that had come out in the summer. Then someone passed you a bottle of Jack and you took a few gulps…

“Whoa! Easy there, tiger!” Jensen had quipped as he watched you with eyebrows raised though he took a fair few gulps himself you noticed. Somehow you ended up inside and there was more drinking and more Christmas talk. Jensen said he’d try and get his Dad to drive him to your house over the break to drop off your present and you asked if it was a mixtape again like it had been last year or if he’d actually spent some money this time.

“Surely a male model gets paid the big bucks.” You said and he laughed because he knew you were just playing. He knew you loved that mixtape.

Despite yourself you were having fun…until Chem Class girl appeared.

“Hey, I’m Carly.” She said, leaning into Jensen, between the two of you. “I’m a friend of Y/N.”

‘Friend’ was not the word you’d use, you thought. She was barely an acquaintance.

“Yeah?” Jensen said, smiling through heavy drunken eyes. “Me too. Hi Carly….s’nice to meet you. I’ve seen you around, I think. Do we have any classes together?”

You heard his tone. It was his ‘I’m being charming and I know it’ voice. His ‘Talking to a hot girl’ voice.

Ten minutes later you used Scotty’s landline to call your Mom and ask her to pick you up.


	2. Chapter 2

August 1996

You looked at yourself in the mirror and decided this was the best it was going to get. 

How did you end up going to so many fucking parties when you hated them so much? You sighed as you went downstairs and waited for your ride, Ray and Amy had said they’d come get you at 7 but they were clearly running late. There was no way you could miss this shindig as it was unofficially Jensen’s leaving party. He was heading to LA the day after tomorrow. Much as you wished he wasn’t.

It felt horrible anyway, all the endings of everything. Prom. Graduation. The final yearbook. Of course he’d been voted ‘Most Attractive’ guy in school. Of course, you had not been his female counterpart in the voting. And now he was leaving, for LA, where all the women looked like they were on ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ or ‘Baywatch’. 

He was leaving. You’d spent pretty much every day with him for three years and now it was hard to not feel like he was leaving you behind to be relegated to his ‘old life’. Your sadness twisted like a knife in your heart. You tried to keep it from him but he knew you well enough to know it hurt and you’d miss him. He told you over and over again that you’d see him ‘all the time’, that you’d speak constantly. You may have been 16 but you weren’t stupid. That wasn’t going to happen.

Ray and Amy pulled up in his mom’s Toyota and you got in, it was still new to have everyone driving around with their licenses but it did make life easier to not have to rely on parents. Your mom still mentioned the night she’d come and got you from Scotty’s Christmas party and how drunk you’d been. She’d thought you’d been sick from it the next day but actually you’d just been sad, listening to Alanis Morisette, Radiohead and REM as you lay in bed trying to get the image of Jensen and Carly making out on Scotty’s couch out of your head and failing. It had only gotten worse when Jensen had called later that day and you’d had to speak to him, wondering dramatically if you could fashion the telephone cord into a noose.

“Where did you go? I looked for you but people said you left.” He’d said.

“Yeah….I’d had enough fun for one night.” You said, trying to sound disaffected and bored rather than upset and jealous.

“You missed that guy…you know that massive guy from Spanish Class? He and Scotty got into a fight and ended up drunk wrestling in the house and they broke the fuckin’ TV. Scotty lost his shit!” He laughed slightly as he relayed the story. “I guess that’s what you get when you shotgun 5 beers in 3 minutes flat and hit on someone else’s girlfriend in front of your parents’ new flat screen.”

You didn’t laugh back wondering if you could get off the phone and what excuse would be most believable.

“What’s up with you? Are you being a Christmas Grinch?” He said.

“No. I just don’t find Scotty trashing his parent’s house that funny.”

“Maybe you had to be there.”

“I’m surprised you were…thought you might have disappeared somewhere with Carly.” You said, hearing the tone in your voice, disgusted at your pettiness and jealousy but unable to stop it.

“Nah…we’d come downstairs by that point. She was nice.”

“I’m sure she was…are you going to see her again?” You said, really trying to sound casual.

“Dunno. Maybe. Probably not. We’ll see…..did you record ‘Friends’? Mackenzie taped it, we could watch it together later if you want.”

“Yeah maybe…listen…my mom needs the line clear, she’s expecting a call so I gotta go.”

“Oh, OK. Call me later, let me know about ‘Friends’ OK? I think something happened with that whole Ross and Rachel thing so…you can scream and jump up and down or whatever.” He’d laughed but the idea of watching anything romantic with him had made you want to barf even more than the peach schnapps remnants sloshing around in your belly.

You pulled up outside Freddie Clarke’s house. His parents’ weren’t away but since the divorce his mom let him do whatever he wanted and it had been decided that it was a much more fun venue for Jensen’s last Texan hurrah for a while than Casa Ackles. 

“Heyyyy!” Jensen shouted out when he saw you and you faked an easy breezy summertime vibe as best you could. You knew it was his party really so you shared him with everyone, though it was hard. The baseball team, the other jocks, the theatre kids, student council members…everyone…it felt like everyone…all wanted a piece of him. He was leaving so soon and there just wasn’t enough time. 

You hung out and let people come and go and chat but you didn’t want to sulk, not with him leaving so soon, so although you let him hang with the others, you still checked in often. 

And you drank. You drank as if you hadn’t learned your lesson from last time. Largely because what the hell else were you gonna do. Your best friend was leaving. You loved him and he didn’t even know and he was leaving. Getting a little buzz on seemed like a good idea. 

And it was a nice buzz…you sat in the yard with a bunch of people who had suddenly become a lot more tolerable the moment you realised they were disappearing off to various colleges as soon as the summer was over. You even managed not to eye roll when someone inside put on the ‘Macarena’. 

You hung out and chatted and even laughed. 

“I cannot wait to see all the hot guys at Vassar.” Said Debbie as she took a sip of some vile concoction in her red cup.

“Why do you think they are gonna be hot?” You asked.

“Debbie thinks everyone’s hot.” Amy laughed.

“Everyone is hot….in the dark.” 

The whole group cracked up and you tried to laugh along too though conversation like this always made you uncomfortable. You didn’t want to lie about being a virgin but you also didn’t really want it being something people were discussing. It made you sound frigid and prim and that wasn’t the reason why. You’d had opportunities and you’d done…’stuff’…but the truth was, as ridiculous as you knew you were you just couldn’t imagine doing that with any of the guys you knew. No one but Jensen and that was never going to happen. You knew he had done that a good few times but he was gentlemanly about it, only ever being vague and euphemistic, never doing that whole ‘locker room’ bullshit that you heard other guys doing even. He didn’t even do it when there were mostly just other guys around. And he probably knew you hadn’t done it yet but he’d had the good grace to never ask you about it. Maybe things would change once he left and once you got to UT. Maybe if he was further away other guys wouldn’t fare so badly when you inevitably compared them to him. Maybe you’d stop comparing them to him at all.

You sort of wished you could be more like Debbie and just own it the way she did. She was sexual and if assholes called her names she simply pointed out that that was asshole behaviour and it made you respect her immensely.

She was talking about who the best lay was out of the graduating class when Jensen came out and dropped himself down on the grass next to you. The sky was darker now but the garden lights were on. God, he looked handsome.

He passed you a new beer that he’d brought out with him and opened one for himself.

“What we talkin’ about?” He asked the group.

“Debbie does Dallas’?” You laughed.

“Not yet!” She laughed. “Hey Jensen….how come we’ve never….y’know?”

He shrugged and smiled at her. “You’re outta my league, Bryant!” He said and he winked at her and you loved that he had said something that didn’t make her feel bad about herself and that hadn’t felt like he was trying to take advantage of her in some way. It was a very Jensen move.

“Bet you guys have though, huh?” She asked.

“What?!” You said, a little taken aback. “Why would you think that?”

“Erm…you’re together all the time. You’re inseparable. You’re both hot. I just figured…”

“We’re friends.” You said, hoping that would be the end of it. “Good friends but just friends.”

“So you never….got a little drunk….got a little carried away?”

You watched as Jensen, who always handled every situation with grace and skilful charm looked visibly uncomfortable.

“No. Never.” You said.

“Wait….are you….Y/N….are you a virgin still?”

“Jesus, Debbie!” Jensen said, not scary but clearly exasperated by her line of questioning.

“What if I was?” You asked back, aware that everyone sat in your group was looking at you as your cheeks started to burn.

“No. No….like…that’s totally cool…I just….didn’t know anyone still was….well…some people obviously are but…I just didn’t think you-”

“I’m fuckin’ leavin’ for LA in two days and we’re talking about this shit? Nope. Someone better get me a lotta booze and start tellin’ me who they want me to hook them up with when I make it big in Hollywood…” He said, easily changing the conversation and making people cheer as he downed a gulp from the bottle of tequila someone thrust in his hand. “It’s my fuckin’ party…so you motherfuckers better start payin’ attention to me.” He said, and on the surface it was the least typical thing he could ever had said, he always had people’s attention but he never, ever asked for it and in situations like this it made him a little uncomfortable, not that the others would have known that, but as everyone shifted their attention to him he discreetly gave you a tiny wink and you saw how like him it really was, to step in and be not only gentlemanly but also kind and do it in a way that was seamless and easy…..and you didn’t think you’d ever loved him more.

After a few more drinks he got a battered soft pack of Marlboro Red’s out of his back pocket. He looked at you sheepishly. He sometimes smoked when he drank and you scolded him for it, mostly because you worried about him and you’d noticed him doing it more and more…also because he looked fucking sexy as hell smoking….would have thought it? You hated that you thought that but right now you were pretty wasted too.

Ray reached over to Jensen with his zippo and lit his cigarette. You watched as he leaned down into it, the flame lighting up his face, highlighting his breathtaking bone structure as he inhaled.

“Thanks buddy.” Jensen said after his first toke. “You not gonna bust my balls about this?” He asked you, a note of incredulity in his voice.

“Nah.” You said, shrugging. “There’s gonna be a lot worse than cigarettes in LA, J. You gotta do what you gotta do. Don’t need me anymore. In fact…fuck it…” You reached over and took the lit smoke from between his fingers and took a drag, breathing it out slowly. Your cousin smoked and had showed you how to do it last summer though it hadn’t particularly been a skill you’d wanted to cultivate. You were kind of glad now though as you hadn’t wanted to choke and splutter when you were trying to be cool and grown up, drunk though you were.

“Well….fuck….” Jensen said, his eyebrows high in surprise at this side of you he’d never seen before, as you passed the cigarette back to him.

A moment passed before he said “Of course I need you, you idiot…you’re still my best friend.”

“Yeah yeah….until you replace me with fuckin’ Gwyneth Paltrow or something…”

“Paltrow? She ain’t got nothin’ on you baby.” He said, winking as you felt that smile he always caused, push its way across your face.

Then there was more drinking and you went back inside so he could say goodbye to some of his baseball buddies who were leaving. There was some crazy dancing and he even got you involved though you drew the line when someone played the ‘Macarena’ again.

“God…teach them some easy dance steps and it’s all they wanna do!” You said, watching as some girls started doing the moves. You wouldn’t have put it past him to know them too but he laughed and held up his empty cup and motioned for you to follow him to the kitchen. 

“Um….” He looked around the kitchen and grabbed the abandoned tequila bottle, pouring you both a shot from it before motioning to the doors that led outside as if asking you if you wanted to go. You nodded and followed him and he sat a little away from everyone else, opening his arm out to invite you to settle into it. You sat like that sometimes when you were both a little drunk. You didn’t ever initiate it and you never did it when you were sober, scared as you were by the fact that you liked it way too much.

You settled against him, his arm around you and your head on his shoulder.

“I still can’t believe you’re going.” You said in a voice that was sadder than you’d wanted it to be.

“Yeah…me neither really….you’ll visit, right?”

“Sure.” You said, feeling anything but.

“I’ll be back all the time anyway…to visit the family and you and for the holidays…who knows maybe no one will want to hire me anyway and I’ll come back with my tail between my legs.”

“Nah…they’re not stupid. They’ll want you.” You put on an ‘old timey Hollywood agent’ voice. “You, kid, you’re gonna be a star!”

He laughed. “Let’s hope so, huh?…..so….um….” He trailed off.

“Yeah?” You said, craning your head so you could look at him better.

“…it was weird…what Debbie said earlier….”

You felt your body tense a little with discomfort.

“…can I ask you something?”

“Oh Jesus…”

“No…I’m not going to ask if you are a….that’s not the question…”

You looked at him, he was clearly drunk and it had loosened his tongue though neither of you were wasted, not really. You poured both of you another tequila shot. “Well…I might need this then….” You said.

He took his and you knocked your cups together and downed your shots. You inhaled through clenched teeth as it burned and then looked at him, waiting for his question.

“You and me…people ask me all the time if we’re…together…or if we’ve ever…slept together…or whatever….every girl I’ve ever hooked up with thinks we’re…what do they call it…’friends with benefits’….have you really never thought about it?”

“Um….” You felt your cheeks warming again. How the fuck you were supposed to answer that? “…I mean…no…we’re friends….it’s not like that, right?”

“Right.” He said, but it was more reflective than affirmative.

“Have you?”

“I don’t know. You’re my best friend and you’re pretty…I guess it’d be crazy if it had never crossed my mind at all….but I know you don’t see me like that…”

“What?” You laughed. “J….have you seen you? The fucking world sees you like that. The girls, the guys….even fucking trees and lampposts probably….I just…I guessed you didn’t see me like that…and I would never want to ruin our friendship and I’ve seen the girls you get with…I know you could have anyone you wanted…it’s just…you’ve been my best friend so long…I thought you didn’t even see me as a ‘girl’ anymore, y’know?’

He laughed. “I see you as a girl. A pain in the ass girl, sometimes. But definitely a girl….would you be mad if I asked you the other question…I won’t if you really don’t want me to.”

“What am I a….have I ever done…like…sex? You want to know about that?” You said, pouring the both of you another shot, mainly to buy some time while you tried to get a grip on your embarrassment.

“Only if you don’t mind telling me.”

“Um…OK…fine…yes, I am.”

It was quiet for a second.

“How come?” He asked seriously.

“What?”

“Like…there’s no shame in it. I think it’s kinda cool but…are you waiting? Or is it a religious thing?”

“No!”

“I thought maybe you and that guy…your mom’s friends son.”

“Luke?!”

“Yeah.”

“What? Why?”

He shrugged.

“You hate Luke. Wait…is that why you hate Luke?”

“No….he’s a fuckin’ asshole and he’s not good enough for you…by a long, long shot.”

“He’s not an asshole, J.”

“So you do…’like’ him?”

“I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s just a bit awkward around people sometimes. Not everyone’s as naturally charming as you, Jen. But I don’t ‘like’ him and haven’t slept with him….God…now, he’s definitely someone I don’t see ‘that way’….I just….it’s just not happened.”

“I know lots of guys who’d try…who’d want it to happen…that guy a few months back was all over you, trying to impress you with his fuckin’ skateboarding shit.”

“Well…maybe I am waiting for someone who doesn’t think skateboarding is a way into my pants?”

“Are you waiting for college? Do you think you’ll get yourself a nice boyfriend?”

“Jeez…what’s with all the questions today?”

“I don’t know…guess I’m finding it hard to think of you with some guy that I won’t even be able to meet and size up before he…you know…becomes ‘the one’.”

“Size up?” You laughed. “Why is this sex thing such a big deal to every one?”

“I just….want it to be good for you. With someone who knows how special you are and treats you right.”

“Was it like that for you?”

“No…I mean…it was fun and all…but…it wasn’t ‘special’ or anything. I hope your first time is. Special, I mean.”

“What, because I’m a girl?’

“No. Because you’re you. And you’re awesome. You’re my best friend.”

It was quiet for a minute.

“You know…in a different world…it’d be you.” You said, knowing that it was the tequila making you say it, knowing you’d regret it later. “In a very different world.”

“What would be different about it?”

“Well….I’d just meet you so there’d be no history to ruin, we wouldn’t have to be worried about the friendship. And you’d see me ‘like that’ and it wouldn’t be complicated and you wouldn’t be leaving in a day or so so it wouldn’t be a head fuck…”

“Just because I don’t act on it doesn’t mean I don’t…see you…’like that’…and although I don’t think anyone could ever care about you more, I would never want to mess with your head or risk our friendship or anything like that. But yeah…in another world…I could see that. And other world me would be the lucky one…not other world you…just so you know.”

It was quiet again.

“God…I kinda wish I’d just lied now….”

He laughed. “Apart from you, I feel like I’ve said goodbye to everyone I wanted to. Want me to walk you home?’

“J…it’s a long fuckin’ walk!”

He shrugged. “I could do with a long walk. Walk off some of the tequila. The longer the better.”

So you walked and you reminisced and you laughed and you tried not to talk about him leaving. It was a great walk. It took nearly two hours but you both smiled the whole way and never ran out of things to say though you didn’t actually say the thing under all words.

That you were both scared of being without each other. That you were going to miss each other. That it felt weird that a whole chapter of life was ending. That it was really something how you’d grown together, grown from kids to burgeoning grown ups together, step by step, by each other’s sides. That in your own ways you loved each other and cared about each other and no matter what happened nothing could change the marks you’d made on each other’s hearts. Ever.

“How’s the tequila brain?” You said when you finally made it to your driveway.

“Gone…but also…not entirely.” He laughed. There were no lights on in your home which was weird as your parents had been due back from their trip that evening and even if they’d gone to bed they normally left the hall light on. 

“What’s up?” He asked, seeing your confused expression.

“No lights are on.” You said, making your way to the door. He came with you without asking. You went in and turned the lights on and made your way to the blinking answering machine. You hit the button that played the messages.

“Hey honey.” Came your mom’s voice. “Our flight back got cancelled. Bad weather. So we’re having to stay here another night. Hopefully we’ll manage to get one tomorrow. I hope you’re OK. It was Jensen’s party tonight, right? Send him our love and tell him not to be a stranger, OK? But don’t worry, we’re fine and hopefully we’ll see you tomorrow. I hope you haven’t been drinking! Night sweetheart!”

He laughed when the message ended. “She is really not letting how drunk you were at Scotty’s party go, huh?”

“Nope.” You said, relieved nothing was actually wrong. “Thanks for coming in with me.”

“It’s cool….wanna watch a movie or somethin’?”

“It’s 2 am, J. Don’t you have packing to do in the morning?”

He shrugged. “That sounds like a tomorrow morning problem.”

You were going to miss him so much, you didn’t want to miss a chance to hang out one last time before he left, no matter how tired you felt.

“OK, then. Sure…” You said and shrugged your jacket off before you made your way up to your room.

You couldn’t decide what movie to watch so in the end you just put on a tape of old ‘The Simpsons’ episodes that never seemed to get old and settled on your bed. You were half way through the episode where Homer goes to the mental health hospital and meets ‘Michael Jackson’ when Jensen paused the tape and turned off the TV.

“What’s up?” You asked.

He turned to face you on the bed. ‘I’m just really gonna miss you, you know?” He said, looking serious and sad and a little scared. 

“You too.” You said, pretty sure you looked the same way.

Neither of you said anything after because what was there to be said.

Eventually, he broke the silence. “Would it be a total head fuck if I kissed you?”

“What?” You said, totally thrown by the question.

“I don’t know it just feels like maybe I should. But also I know I’m going. But…I also really want to.”

“You do?”

He nodded. For so many reasons you knew this was a bad idea. Your feelings, him leaving, you’d been drinking…but also, as you looked into his beautiful emerald green eyes and across his freckled face…it just felt right…it felt like the only thing in the world you actually wanted to do.

You leaned forward, slowly shutting your eyes and felt his soft, full lips as they met yours. 

You’d kissed a fair few people since that first ‘Spin the Bottle’ kiss but it hadn’t felt like this. This felt just as momentous as that kiss and this time when you felt his tongue slowly move against yours it felt…perfect. Because he was a great kisser, sure, but also….because it was him, Jensen, who you’d loved and dreamed about for years now. Who made every other guy seem like a pale and wanting imitation.

You kissed and it got hotter. You could almost feel hormones and need rushing inside of you as you pulled each other closer and he rolled over you on the bed, kissing you over and over as one hand ran fingers through your hair as it stroked against the back of your head and the other settled against your waist. It had never felt like this before. Ever.

You kissed and rolled, aware the kisses were getting faster and hungrier and that hands had begun to roam. Yours over his back and the ass of his jeans and his down your side and over your breast, over your top. You could feel that he was hard against you, as you moved against each other, still fully clothed but wanting each other. It was a wanting like you’d never really known before.

He suddenly pulled back, breathing heavy and his face flushed and wearing an expression you’d never seen before.

“Wait….wait…” He said, rolling off you as he still gulped down air. “I don’t know if we should go any further if I’m leaving tomorrow. I don’t want you to regret anything…once I’m gone.”

You looked at him and tried to think clearly, hard as it was with every impulse in you seemingly on fire.

For better or worse, you loved him. You knew he was leaving but there really was no one else you wanted to do this with. Not for the first time.

“J….I know all the reasons why this could be a bad idea but…it doesn’t feel anything but right. I haven’t been waiting for like….a ring or a relationship or anything…I just…it never felt right. Not before. If you want to….” You trailed off.

He looked at you. It wasn’t just horniness…it was something else…something honest and unguarded and real. 

“I want this. I want you.”

“Then I want this too.” You said, feeling slightly nervous but also like nothing had ever been truer.

“Are you sure?” He asked, looking at you so earnestly that you knew if you said that you weren’t he’d be understanding. You could say no.

You just didn’t want to.

“Yes.” You said, leaning forward to kiss him again.

He rolled over you again, the both of you moving against each other. Kissing fast and hot and heavy as his hand made its way under the fabric of your top and yours snaked under his T shirt feeling the heat of his skin.

You felt his hand on your breast over your bra. There’s been over the bra action before but it hadn’t felt like this. This was more than the novelty of someone touching you and it was more even than just nerves responding to touch that felt nice. It felt electric. It felt like love scenes in books or movies. You felt like everywhere he touched was coming alive for the first time. Whether it was because he just knew what he was doing and was good at it or whether it was because of your feelings for him were finally breaking free after being hidden and unchecked for so long, but whatever the reason, you’d never felt like this before and it felt fucking amazing.

You pulled his T shirt up, breaking the kiss momentarily, as you took it off him. His bare chest looking tight and muscular and hot. He was so fucking good looking.

He pulled at your top and you let him pull it off you before he gently pushed your back on the bed and kissed down your neck and down…

When he pulled back to snake his hand under you and undo your bra clasp, behind your back, you leaned forward, kissing his chest. His skin felt so soft under your lips. You just wanted to kiss him everywhere. 

You didn’t even feel weird about being topless in front of him, as you heard the sound you made once you lay down and felt his lips kissing your nipple.

He licked and kissed and gently, gently sucked against one nipple and then kissed his way over to the other one to do the same,

“You are so beautiful.” He said, between kisses, as his hand moved lower, rubbing between your legs, over your jeans.

It felt like you were on fire. It felt like you were losing your mind.

He lifted his head and looked you in the eyes. “I mean it, Y/N….you are really, really beautiful.”

“You are too.” You said, feeling a jolt of nervous excitement as he moved his hand to undo your jeans.

You pulled him gently up to kiss you again and let your hand stroke against the hardness in his jeans.

He made this noise and you had never heard anything that sounded better. Not just a sigh, maybe a moan…whatever, it sounded like it came from somewhere deep inside of him, it sounded uncontrolled and wild and desperate and you felt it make something inside of you twinge just hearing it. 

You started to undo his jeans as he put his hand under the waistband of your underwear and moved it downwards, down to where no one else had ever touched you like this.

He stroked along your slit, up and down, as his face creased with something you’d not seen on it before…want? Need? Of course he’d know what he was doing and how to make it feel good. He was good at everything. It’d be annoying if it didn’t feel…so…fucking….good.

You moved your hand under the waistband of his boxers, feeling his hardness in your hand.

“Fuck.” He said, almost under his breath, as you moved your hand up and down. You’d kind of done this before but the other guy wasn’t as big and you weren’t being distracted like you were right now as he moved his hands lower and gently pushed one finger into you before pulling it slightly back and doing it again and again before adding another finger.

“Oh my God.” You said, without really meaning to. He froze, opening his eyes which had been lowered as he bit his lower lip taking in the feel of your hand against his length.

“What? Good ‘Oh My God’ or not good ‘Oh My God’?” He said, breathless and a little panicked.

“No…no…good…definitely good.” 

He pulled his fingers out of you anyway, despite the look of relief that momentarily flooded his face before being taken over by a look that almost looked like he was in pain or really concentrating…but you heard the noises and felt his hips as they moved him against your grip and knew he was enjoying it.

He pushed your jeans and underwear down and you lifted your hips to help, reaching down with your unoccupied hand to help him remove them completely.

He pulled away from your hand slightly and you let him go, watching as he took off his boxers and jeans.

Suddenly you were so aware that you were naked, both of you. A wave of nervousness washed over you. He lay down next to you.

“You OK?” He asked, reaching across you to gently stroke your shoulder before lightly turning your head towards him by stroking your cheek.

“Yeah…I just….I know some stuff…but I don’t know…what if I’m not good…”

He smiled and kissed you softly on your lips. “Not possible. You’re already amazing.”

“Was it OK?…My hand…”

“Are you kidding?” He stopped and looked into your eyes, seemingly to ascertain if you really were, in fact, kidding. “Trust me….it was good.”

He kissed you again. “And…me…was it…?” You looked at him a little taken aback. You hadn’t thought he’d be nervous or unsure but he was, a little anyway.

“Yeah.” You said, smiling at him in a way you hoped would reassure him that you meant it.

You kissed for a moment and felt the heat rising again and the kissing getting faster.

“One second.” He said, reaching off the bed to get his wallet out of his pocket and pull out a condom which he placed on the night stand. He looked at you, slightly sheepishly, ‘Better safe than sorry, right?”

“For sure.” You said, pulling him back to kiss you again.

You kissed with him lying over you, you could feel him, against you, as he settled between your legs but he didn’t push.

“Are you scared?” He whispered, sensing the nervousness in you.

“Kind of. But just because I’ve not done this before. But I’m glad it’s you. I wouldn’t want it to be anyone but you.”

He smiled as he looked into your eyes and gently, tenderly, stroked your face.

Then he kissed you again and started kissing his way down your body. “Maybe if I distract you, you’ll be less scared.” He said as you realised where he was headed.

You leaned back against your pillow as you felt his kisses getting lower and lower.

“Oh God, J….” You said, hearing your voice all breathless, as you felt him kiss you there.

And then he licked, all along your slit. And then his tongue was pushing against your entrance and then he licked a stripe upwards again. He did it again and again, getting faster and faster. Then he just stayed up near the top part where it felt good as he pushed his fingers into you again and moved them slowly back and forth.

It felt amazing. It felt better than you’d even imagined when you’d laid here in your bed at night, thinking of him and letting your hands move over your heat.

You felt your body arching off the bed, felt it getting tight as something built up in you. You were going to come. You’d never done that with anyone else before but right then in the moment you couldn’t be nervous or scared or anything. You trusted him and he was making you feel so good.

When it happened it was intense, more intense than it had ever felt before. You weren’t fully aware of the noise you made but it registered somewhere as you felt your hands in his hair and your body bucking upwards as the big wave of delicious pleasure flooded through you. He slowed down but he didn’t stop right away. He stayed there until you lay still and your breathing calmed down before making his way back up to you. You felt a little embarrassed but he moved into your eye line to force your gaze.

“Hey….what’s goin’ on?”

“Nothing…I just….I don’t know…I feel weird…that…happening…with you…I guess, I don’t know…I feel a bit…shy or something.”

He smiled at you. “Aren’t we a little past ‘shy’ now?” He said, laughing but not unkindly. “We can stop….honestly.”

“No. I don’t want that.”

He lay back on the bed, pulling you close to him. You shuffled down the bed, resting your hand on his chest and your chin on top of it as you looked up at him.

“How are you so good at…everything?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. Am I?’

You nodded. “Practice?” 

“I think you think I’m a lot more of a man whore than I actually am. There haven’t been that many times. If I’d ever thought we would do this…maybe I’d have waited.” He said, his voice genuine and serious for a moment.

“Yeah?”

He nodded before smiling at you. “I don’t know…I wanted to be good at stuff…I tried to research some stuff.”

“Research?” You said, laughing. “Porn?”

“Maybe. A little. Between that and my mom’s old ‘Cosmo’ magazines and this old copy of ‘The Joy of Sex’ that we found in Ray’s parents house…I tried to piece some stuff together…I just…I’d never want to be with someone and have them not enjoy it.”

You smiled at him. “There’s that overachiever, we all know and love.”

He raised an eyebrow at you. He always looked so cute when he did that.

“Hey….” He said, his tone changing slightly. “Can I say something?”

“Oh God, what?”

“No. Nothing bad….Just….you know you’re awesome, right? Just beautiful and cool and funny and smart and sexy and…you’re perfect. It’s important to me that you know that.”

“Thanks, J.” You said, a little humbled and a lot touched by his words. It was quiet for a second. He was so perfect, so perfect you weren’t even sure you could find words to tell him.

“Hey…can I try something?” You asked.

“What?”

“Just something…” You said, moving yourself back and then over him and then between his legs.

“Oh.” He said.

You leaned forward. “OK, so I haven’t done this before so you teach me if it’s not right?”

You kissed the tip of him. It was salty and wet. You kissed it again, your mouth slightly more open, licking against the underside of it.

“Oh fuck.” He said, and it came out broke and wrecked sounding. You felt that twinge deep inside you again at the fact that you had made him sound like that.

You tried to make your mouth and lips wet as you sucked gently, moving your mouth up and down along him. You felt his hand against the back of your head, gently stroking through the strands of your hair. 

“Jesus…you’re good at that.” He breathed out as you looked up to see his face, eyes shut with his jaw clenched and then slowly he opened his eyes and looked down at you, your connected gaze making you twinge and ache in a way that made you want more of him.

“You gotta stop that or I’m gonna come.” He said, breathlessly. It was the sexiest thing he’d ever said to you.

You lifted your head. “That’s OK. You can.”

He shook his head vigorously as he pulled you up and rolled you over. “You still wanna…” He looked over at the condom on the night stand.

“Yes.” You said, quietly and calmly but with certainty.

He sat back on his heels between your legs and tore the condom wrapper, holding the tip of it and rolling it down himself. It felt like such an intimate, personal thing to be watching, you thought, before realising how ridiculous it was considering what you were about to do.

He lay down over you again and kissed you.

Then he lifted his head and looked into your eyes. “I know it sounds cheesy as all hell but I wanted you to do this for the first time with someone who thought you were special and incredible and got how lucky they were to get to be with you like this…someone who loved you…I’m kinda glad it’s me because you know all of that’s true…right? You’re my best friend and like…my favourite person in the world…so…”

You knew what he meant. It might not be love like ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ or whatever but you knew he loved you in some way, like a friend perhaps but it was big and it was real and you felt it. You wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.

He kissed you again and stroked your face. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” You said, feeling him reach down between you and touch you a little first before moving himself against your entrance.

You felt him push, heard him groan slightly, felt a stinging, burning, tearing feeling that made your eyes squeeze shut as you instinctively held your breath. 

“Hey…Y/N…sweetheart…you OK? Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” You said, you’d heard it might hurt a bit but that it faded, it got better.

“OK…but breathe, OK? Honey…breathe.”

You started to breathe. He kissed you after you did. “You sure you’re OK?”

“Yeah….”

“OK…kiss me and it’ll be better if…here…” He said, moving his hand down so his thumb was touching you, running tiny strokes over your bundle of nerves. “The better you feel, the less it’ll hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.” You said, kissing him. “Move, Ackles.” But you said it nicely, playfully, the way you often spoke to each other.

You felt him start to move, you focused on kissing him and the feeling his thumb was creating and as he moved the little noises he made and the look on his face. It still hurt but the pain was less and slowly…slowly…the good feeling got more.

He was getting faster. And deeper. 

“Oh God….you feel…really, really good.” He said, breathlessly between kisses. 

He was still moving his thumb and it was starting to feel good despite the feeling of fullness and being stretched. You hadn’t expected to come, not the first time, you’d heard girls talking about their first time experiences and figured it just wasn’t what happened but maybe the guys they were with didn’t do the thumb thing. Or maybe they didn’t look or sound the way he did because as you watched his face, twisting itself in what you could now see was him feeling good, and as you heard his moans, you couldn’t help but start to move against him yourself.

“Does it feel good?” He asked, noticing your hips starting to roll towards his each time he pushed.

“Yeah…it feels really…really good…Oh God…J, I think it’s gonna happen again…”

“Yeah? Good, let it. I’m here. I’ve got you. Baby, I’ve got you….fuck….I’m gonna come….Y/N….”

You moved your head into his, where his neck met his shoulder, feeling him throwing his head back as his body shook and strained against the feeling that washed over him. His body went rigid as he said your name again, his movement stuttering and his thumb stilling as you felt wave after wave rushing through you.

“Oh my God.” You said, as you let your head fall back against the pillow. Feeling him move and pull out of you and roll off you, removing the condom and tying a knot in the end as he wrapped it in a tissue from the box on the night stand.

He lay back onto the bed, reaching for you as you curled into him, your head against his chest.

“You OK?” He asked, kissing your forehead.

“Yeah…I didn’t think I’d…you know…come…but…”

“How do you feel?”

“A little sore…but OK…good…I can’t believe I did it.” You said instantly hating how lame you sounded.

“We did it.” He corrected. “But yeah…not a virgin anymore…you’re all woman now…” He said, laughing as you playfully swatted his chest.

“J? I know you have stuff to do tomorrow…but…do you think you could stay….the night?”

He looked at you, scrunching down slightly to look at you better. “If you want me to?”

“Yeah…I want you to.” You said, feeling tired but happy, if not still a bit weirded out by the momentous turn the evening had taken. You fell asleep with his arm around you and it was still there, and you were still in his arms, when you woke up in the morning.

You turned to look at the clock on the night stand and saw it was nearly 10.

Your movement woke him and he looked at the time too. “Oh man…I gotta go…I have so much to do today.” He said, though he didn’t make to get up straight away.

“How are you feelin’ today?”

“Good. I’m good.”

“No regrets.”

“J…I could never regret you. No regrets. None. Promise.”

He slowly got up and got dressed and you grabbed some clothes and did the same. You knew the goodbye was coming and you hated it. Your feet felt like lead as you made your way downstairs. 

He stood in the open doorway and turned to face you.

“I don’t know how to say goodbye.” You said, trying your hardest not to cry.

“Good. Because it’s not goodbye.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“You too.”

“Don’t make loads of cool Hollywood friends and forget about me, OK?”

“Sweetheart…I could never forget about you.”

He pulled you in for a hug. “I’ll call you as soon as I get settled. Email you, once I get all that stuff sorted. Or maybe before…I’ll find an Internet cafe.”

You nodded. “OK, then.”

You let him go and watched as he walked down your drive, waving when he turned halfway down and smiled at you. 

“Thanks for letting me stay over.”

You smiled back at him knowing he wasn’t talking about staying over, not really.

“Thanks for walking me home.” You said, watching as he turned back, away from you and made his way, slowly out of view.


	3. Chapter 3

1997 - 2005

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/05/97

Hey J,

It was awesome seeing you over the holidays. I’m glad you managed to drag yourself away from all the Hollywood parties to hang out with me (I’m kidding…I know you came back for your fam…but it was nice to see you anyway!) My college friends all thought you were super cute…I told them they were wrong ;-P

Good luck with that audition. I know you’re gonna crush it! 

Call me when you know!

Laters,

Small town girl who cannot compete all those LA types x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/07/97

You’re right you can’t compete…they are no competition for you at all. Man, I am one smooth talkin’ son of a gun, right?

Stop fishing for compliments. You know I wanted to see you as well as my family. I see you’re still as much of a pain in the ass as always. Some things never change, I guess.

Your college friends that I met were all nice. Though they kept mentioning some guy that you’ve been hanging around with. Mark? Why so secretive, grasshopper? It better be because you are taking your time to get to know him and didn’t want to jump the gun or something and not because he’s an asshole. If he’s an asshole, I swear to God, I’ll be on the next plane back and I will kick his ass.

I’ll let you know about the audition but we’ll see. I’m staying positive but not pinning any hopes on it. My career peaked with ‘Sweet Valley High’ anyway…I think we both know it doesn’t get better than that.

Be good…go to classes and don’t take any shit from this Mark guy…or else!

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 03/04/97

I’m emailing because I didn’t shout loud enough last night on the phone!! And because I haven’t told anyone, I know you aren’t supposed to say anything, but I need to GO OFF about it one more time!!!

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE GONNA BE ON ‘DAYS OF OUR LIVES’!!!!!

I still can’t believe it. It’s incredible.

I’m so fucking proud, Ackles!

We are having champagne when I come visit!! You’re buying too….with that sweet, sweet soap opera money heading your way, I feel like you can treat your ol’ struggling student friend!!

Well done again!

Proudest friend alive x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/03/98

Hey,

It was great seeing you while I was home. I’m so sorry it was only that one night but I literally only got the smallest break from filming the show. I know you said it was cool but I still feel bad. I wanted to see you more. I wanted to actually meet this Mark guy!!

You looked happy though so if he’s doing that then I guess he can’t be so bad.

Get a fucking cell phone already. It’s not an LA thing, my Mom is getting one. Momma Ackles can not embrace technology before you without you being a fucking embarrassment of a best friend.

Plus we can text!

Gotta go! Early call time!

If you’re around at the weekend let’s try and arrange a phone catch up…on your freaking dorm landline. (You are like Fred fucking Flintstone, you know that, right?)

J x

.

>>Guess who got a cell phone? Xx Sent 05/23/98 16.32

>>I don’t know. You? I don’t know who this is because your number isn’t in my contacts but I’m happy for you, pal. Sent 05/23/98 17.02

>>You’re a fucking idiot, Ackles Sent 05/23/98 17.13

>> Y/N? Sent 05/23/98 17.56

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/02/99

Hey,

So I wanted to apologise for being such a buzzkill when I saw you over Christmas. It was great to see you. I’m sorry, I cried.

I also cannot believe what Eric is doing on Days of Our Lives, right now!! If he wasn’t so pretty, I’d hate him….

Speak soon,

Sorry lame ass weeping chick x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/02/99

You weren’t lame and I told you to stop fucking apologising!!

Break up’s suck and it was fine. I’m glad I was there.

If I ever see that asshole…I’m gonna fucking kill him.

Call anytime and I’ll call you back when I can, OK? At least if you cry then you won’t ruin a perfectly good shirt with mascara…..I’M KIDDING!!

Are you gonna come see me again soon? I could take you to a soap opera party……

Or we could just watch ‘Friends’ and order Chinese food, like last time. I saw one the other week when Rachel was smoking and she couldn’t do it right…reminded me of you when you have one too many drinks and forget that you don’t do that!! I’M KIDDING AGAIN!! (Sort of!)

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 12/15/99

YOU BETTER BE SPENDING MILLENIUM NYE WITH ME ASSHOLE!!

There’s a college party if you want to go but it might be a drag as all the girls will follow you around and it’ll be fun for you but dull for me!!

I heard something about some kids we went to school with having a party? I’ll look into it.

Don’t get me too fancy a present for Christmas either. I know you got that DOOL dollar but I’ll just feel bad when you get me a tiara or something and I’ll have got you a CD or a movie….although…I’d ROCK a tiara….food for thought…

Tiara wearing motherfucker (Or soon to be) x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/15/00

So I took your advice and told my agent I want to quit DOOL.

Not sure they felt as excited about my future as you did. Not sure I do. But you’re right, it’s time.

I’m attaching some photos from my digital camera to this email from New Years. I cannot believe YOU dragged me to a party at SCOTTY POWELL’s house!! Oh how times have changed!!

I also can’t believe you kissed me when the ball dropped….but that’s a whole other conversation…..

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail..com

Date: 01/15/00

I’m sorry….who kissed who???

Also I cannot believe it took you nearly two weeks to bring that up. I was waiting this whole time! Every text and phone conversation…I was starting to think I’d hallucinated it. (Absinthe, Scotty? Why???!)

You kissed me! But also…if I HAD kissed you…which I did NOT….what’s a New Years kiss between friends?

You were my first kiss, my first…ahem…you know…and now the first person to kiss me in the new millennium.

Am I kind of famous now? Can you catch fame like you catch cooties? I’m going to go to my Psych class and see if I get mobbed by adoring fans…I’ll let you know.

Basically Britney 2.0 x

.

>> I was your first kiss? Sent 01/15/00 15.33

>> ;-P Did you never figure that out? Yeah x Sent 01/15/00 17.32

>> You were mine too x Sent 01/15/00 17.34

>> WHAT? SHUT UP! NO WAY! CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU ARE FREE SO I CAN GRILL YOU ABOUT THIS!! X

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/21/01

Hey hey,

I’m glad you got to stay a while longer than usual this time, it was awesome…but J…I wish you’d stayed even longer. I know you had to go back and ‘take meetings’ or whatever but you seemed so down when you left. 

I know you don’t know if something good is coming up…I know you are worried that it won’t but I know.

Good things are coming!! 

And you know I’m super smart (Need I talk about the grades I got in my finals again??) so you have to believe me.

Call me later x

.

>> I got the James Cameron thing…x Sent 02/04/01 11.32

>> James Cameron?? Dude…remember when we used to watch Terminator and T2 in my old room! That’s amazing. I’ll call you later to scream about this!! Xx Sent 02/04/01 11.57

>> Good luck at the job interview! Go get ‘em kid!! Sent 02/04/01 12.04

>> Can we act out Titanic next time you’re home seeing as you’re BFF’s with J Cam now? Sent 02/04/01 12.07

>> The bit in the car? Yeah, sure…I’m down x Sent 02/04/01 13.02

>> I meant the bit at the front of the ship when she’s ‘Flying, Jack’…perv x Sent 02/04/01 13.20

>> Guilty as charged. How did the interview go? Sent 02/04/01 14.04

>> Y/N? Interview? Sent 02/04/01 17.34

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 02/04/01

I know you said you were fine when we got off the phone but you forget, I know you!! I know you are bummed that you didn’t get the job but seriously….it is THEIR LOSS!!

You’ll get a great job soon. I know it.

I KNOW IT.

Think about what I said about planning a trip down here. I know my shooting schedule is nuts but you could sight see while I’m working and we can hang out after. We can go to The Blues Kitchen again? And get pancakes from Mel’s Drive In on my day off?

Think about it, OK?

And don’t be sad…I hate it when you’re sad and I can’t be there to take you out for tacos and beers.

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/06/02

I take it you got back to La La Land, OK?

My boss at work was randomly talking about celebrity crushes and she mentioned ‘That cute guy from ‘Dark Angel’’….I nearly died. Then she didn’t believe me when I said I knew you…

I think she thought I was lying.

I took in photos of us the next day and you should have seen her face!!

So anyway…long story short…I want a promotion and you might have to sleep with my boss….

Laters x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/07/02

Did you give me a good review? To your boss I mean….

Also…what does she look like…feel free to attach a pic….

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/07/02

A review? For acting? Solid 7 out of 10 ;-P 

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/08/02

Not for acting….for that time I took your V card, dumbass!

There was no picture attached.

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/09/02

Oh yeah….I forgot that happened….I can’t really review you if I can’t remember it now can I??

Find photo attached.

.

>> That photo of your boss sure does look a lot like that creepy thing from Lord of the Rings? Does she moonlight as an actress? Sent 01/09/02 16.23

>> Yep. Did the fact that Gandalf and Frodo were also in the picture with Mordor in the background tip you off? Sent 01/09/02 16.55

>> I’m not a nerd like you. I didn’t understand half the words you just said x Sent 01/09/02 18.21

>> Liar. We watched that movie together, numbnuts! Or did you forget? Sent 01/09/02 18.43

>> I would never forget an important moment that we shared together. I give you a solid B- for our cinematic experience. It’d be more you but you always get the sweet popcorn and are weird about sharing your candy x Sent 01/09/02 19.02

>> The picture was from the Internet. My boss is not nearly as hot as Gollum. I’m not weird about sharing candy. And I didn’t rate you to my boss because I didn’t tell her about that. Also…A+ but if you tell anyone I said that I’ll deny it. Sweet popcorn is better than salty. You are just wrong. Sent 01/09/02 20.06

>> A+ here too. But you can tell whoever you want. I ain’t denying shit x. Sent 01/09/02 22.04

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 04/15/02

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!!

(Though don’t. Obviously!)

Is the message you just left on my voicemail for real?

DAWSON’S CREEK?!?!?!? DAWSON’S MOTHERFUCKING CREEK?!?!?!

I might die!! I love that show. Can you introduce me to Pacey?? He’s a dream!

I’m going to call you after I get home from work (Might be late, I’m on a deadline) but I need to know EVERYTHING about this!!

The Future Mrs Pacey Witter x

.

>> Pacey is just a character, you do know that right? Sent 04/15/02 16.55

>> Fine. Can you introduce me to Josh Jackson? Xx Sent 04/15/02 17.16

>> J? I was kidding…you know that, right? Xx Sent 04/15/02 21.02

>> Ackles? Are you sulking? Stop it!! I want to know about the show! Are you someone’s love interest? Joey? Jen? Jack?? Please let it be Jack! Sent 04/15/02 22.27

>> Yes. I was just busy. Sent 04/15/02 23.27

>> Can I call now or is it too late? Xx Sent 04/15/02 23.31

>> If you want. Sent 04/15/02 Sent 04/15/02 23.43

.

>> I cannot believe how grumpy you were about Josh Jackson last night?! Xx Sent 04/16/02 11.22

>> I wasn’t grumpy. I was tired. I’d been doing stage combat all day! Sent 04/16/02 13.03

>> You were grumpy…it took me 15 minutes to make you laugh THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED! You know I’d never ask you to set me up with an actor for real, right? And I’d never embarrass you in front of a co-worker? Xx Sent 04/16/02 13.52

>> Big talk from the girl who got drunk and told Jessica Alba she looked like ‘a beautiful angel’ and stroked her hair…and also you just weren’t that funny last night. I heard Dave Chapelle do the same material on Letterman last week. Sent 04/16/02 14.14

>> He’ll be hearing from my lawyers! But also…don’t be mad at me, OK? Xx Sent 04/16/02 14.37

>> I’m not. Check your email x Sent 04/16/02 14.43

>> You know if the wind changes you’ll stay like that… Sent 04/16/02 14.47

>> What suave and handsome? Xx Sent 04/16/02 14.53

>> Yes. That is exactly how I’d describe that photo of you with crossed eyes and pulling a weird face with your tongue poking out. ‘Suave’ x Sent 04/16/02 15.02

>> Nailed It!! Xx Sent 04/16/02 15.10

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/03/03

I am currently waiting to board my flight back to the coast because I can do that now because I have a Blackberry…A PHONE THAT DOES EMAIL! 

The future is here!!

It was cool to see you over the holidays. I’d have gotten you a Blackberry for Christmas but I know you wouldn’t use it. So I got you that present that’s actually a present for me instead…

So….Just let me know when you want to use the ticket and I’ll call American Airlines, OK?…x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 12/07/03

Are you sure it’s OK for me to actually come for Christmas Day? Can you check with your Mom again?

I don’t know why my parents are so obsessed with going on a cruise at Christmas but I cannot face it. It’s my idea of hell. And also then I wouldn’t get to see you!!

But I can do the day on my own. Or you could come over late?

It’s just so kind of your family to offer. But I don’t want to put them out.

Scroogey McGrinch

.

>> You are coming over on Christmas Day even if I have to drive over and get you myself x Sent 12/07/03 19.23

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 05/27/04

Yes, of course I know Smallville?!

I won’t even mention Tom Welling lest we have another Josh Jackson incident.

You’re gonna be Lana’s boyfriend?? That Kristen chick is super hot. You’re gonna have to act like you love her and make out with her a lot? My heart bleeds for how hard your job is. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go talk to a bunch of unattractive people about unglamorous things.

Trade lives?

From the Planet Krypton (Is that a thing? I know ‘Smallville’ but I don’t KNOW ‘Smallville’….you can tell me when you’re home for 4th July Weekend/Debbie’s wedding?? Did you know the groom is this super Christian straight laced Republican dude she met at Vassar?? What the fuck??) x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 12/12/04

J? Are you sure you want to go to that Christmas party at Scotty’s? I know you’re not here for long and I’d get it if you weren’t wanting to hang with the old crew?

Let me know soon….Scotty has just sent me a text about ‘Secret Santa’?! Jesus…..As if I know what to get any of them! Maybe I’ll get you for it? Finger’s crossed! (Mixtape?)

Girl who hates parties….still….x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@hotmail.com

Date: 12/12/04

You say you hate parties but it’s such bullshit!

And yeah, I’m down for the party…I like seeing those guys.

Don’t knock a mixtape! Though get with the times and burn me a CD for Christ’s sake….

J x

.

>> I got Debbie Bryant for the ‘Secret Santa’ :-( Like I know what to get her?! Did you know she’s pregnant now? Soccer mom in the making! Who did you get? Sent 12/14/04 17.43

>> It’s called ‘Secret Santa’ dumbass. Secret. Don’t be mean about Debbie…she’s the reason we ended up knockin’ boots that time. You should buy her a fuckin’ Chrysler! (A+ remember?!) x Sent 12/14/04 17.54

>> Knockin’ Boots? Jeez…you can take the boy out of Texas, can’t take Texas out of the boy….Since when do we have secrets….Santa or otherwise? Sorry…did I say A+? I meant B-…B for Buzzkill who won’t tell me who he got for ‘Secret Santa’! There’s a $10 dollar limit so no Chrysler for Debs!

.

From: texashoney@hotmail.com

To: jrackles@aol.com

Date: 01/08/05

Did you get home OK? Good to see you, Ackles! Thanks for my iPod! Blows my mind to have all my music in one place! It’s so cool! No one at work has one and they were all ‘oooh-ing’ and ‘ahhh-ing’ over it!

Debbie said she loved the mug I got her that said ‘I love three things…George W Bush, the 2nd Amendment and Jesus.’ It was a fucking joke!! She didn’t realise! I miss old Debbie…at least she was fun!

Do you remember her wedding? I was looking through the photos on my digital camera and found the one of you turning all the napkins into folded up replicas of dicks?! I had forgotten about that! Too much champagne. But if your acting gig ever goes sideways you definitely have a career in napkin penises. Fun thing for you to add to your resume!

I still don’t know who got my ‘Secret Santa’ gift. Did you see it? It was this gorgeous picture frame. It was nice but I have no idea who to thank. No one let slip did they?

Did you hear more about that new show your agent was calling you about?

It’s so boring here without you to get drunk and talk shit with?! When is ‘Smallville’s hiatus again? Come back and save me!!

Bored Bitch x

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 01/09/05

Yeah…Debbie sure has changed…

I can’t believe you forgot about my napkin wizardry. I’m a man of many skills. I am a master of the penis, you know that. I can also fold napkins….

Yeah. It’s this other show on the WB. I have more meetings to find out about it but if it’s on the WB too, I think they’ll let me out of my ‘Smallville’ contract if I like them and they like me?! It’s about two brothers who kill ghosts and vampires and shit whilst roadtrippin’ around the US. Might be fun? Lots of the X Files people are involved so I think it might be similar? I don’t know. I’ll tell you more when I hear more. It might mean I can’t head back over hiatus though. Maybe you could come here? Especially if you’re bored.

Do you like the frame? 

Maybe you should open the back of it, see if there is a clue who it’s from?

J x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 01/10/05

JENSEN ROSS ACKLES!!

I don’t even remember that picture being taken!? 

It’s from that party at Tina’s when we were 13, right? First kiss? First time we met? I’m digging your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles T Shirt in it. I’d forgotten about that!!

Dude….that’s like, the sweetest thing ever. I love it.

Thank you so much.

That show sounds like it could be fun!? Definitely let me know!

Girl whose favourite turtle was Michaelangelo x (You are wrong about the best one being Raphael. Just plain wrong!)

PS. Thanks again! I really do love it x

.

From: texashoney@aol.com

To: jrackles@hotmail.com

Date: 11/23/05

Are you really not coming home for Christmas this year?

Sad girl x

PS. Loved the episode last night. Well, I love every episode! The show is really so good! But when you were in the haunted asylum and Sam pulled the gun on you, well, Dean…I for real screamed at the TV! What is going on with him? Don’t tell me! I want to be surprised! Jared way hotter than Jennifer Love Hewit or ‘Tricia Arquette by the way…just sayin’…..tell him I said ‘Hi’!

.

From: jrackles@hotmail.com

To: texashoney@aol.com

Date: 11/23/05

Not this year.

Think will be hanging out in LA for this one. My parents seem cool with it. I have some meetings and also am driving back from Vancouver with Jared so think we might both just stay here and have a little fun. It’s not a long break. Are your parents gonna on be a cruise again??

If so…you are coming to LA. 

But you’ll have to behave. Do I have to remind you Jared has a girlfriend?? Not sure if you met her when you were down last time?

COME HAVE AN LA CHRISTMAS?! Don’t make me call your Mom about this! (I totally will. Don’t test me! I ain’t bluffing!)

There’s some good stuff coming up episode wise. I think you’ll like it. My lips are sealed!

J x


	4. Chapter 4

Christmas 2005

“We have the apartments in Vancouver for when we are up there but we’re renting this place over the holidays.” Jensen said, unlocking the door and carrying your bags in.

“Oh Wow!” You said taking it in. It was a pretty flashy apartment. “It’s nice!”

He shrugged looking a little embarrassed.

“I’m gonna put your stuff in my room.” He said, looking at you a little sheepishly. “But I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“What? You don’t have to do that. I’m sure we can share a bed without it being weird, right? I mean…we’ve done it before.”

“I mean we can…but we don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel…uncomfortable?”

“I’m sure I can keep my hands off you!” You said, rolling your eyes at him.

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Y/N!!” Came a familiar voice. You turned around and saw Jared smiling widely at you as he made his way into the hallway. “You made it!”

He pulled you into a big hug. He was so tall and massive but had such sweet, puppy like energy. You hugged him back. You had only met a few times but you really did like him. Plus he and Jensen had gotten really close and you could tell he was a good friend to him. That already made you love him.

“Hey Jared! Good to see you!” You said, as you let him go. “How are things?”

“Yeah, good thanks!”

“I bet. The show is so good! I love it. I’m genuinely a huge fan!”

“Yeah?”

“Totally. It’s definitely going to be picked up for another season. You’ve got a hit on your hands.”

You watched his face as a cloud of worry fleetingly crossed over it.

“What? What’s up?” You asked him, looking between him and Jensen.

“The network….there are some issues. I don’t know. I’m not sure if ‘The WB’ is gonna be around much longer…and if it’s not, I don’t know what that means for the show.” Jensen said.

“Oh shit! I’m sorry. You didn’t say.” You said, genuinely hating how perturbed they both looked.

“Yeah…we don’t know though. That’s why we have to go schmooze well at the thing tomorrow.” Jared said, shaking off his worried look as he tried to put his best foot forward.

“The thing tomorrow?” You asked.

“The network Christmas party. There are gonna be people from the show and the network and other industry folks….we have to really try and impress them….” Jensen pulled a face of disgust to show how much the idea did not appeal to him.

You smiled at them both. “Who wouldn’t be charmed by you two?” You asked, genuinely unsure that anyone could resist them. “You’ll go. You’ll crush it. I’ll wait up for you to tell me all about it when you get back.”

Jensen furrowed his brow at you. “No. You should come. I get a plus one and it might be fun. You can be my good luck charm.”

“Really?” You asked, a little unsure of going to an ‘industry’ party.

“Yeah! You should definitely come.” Jared said, being equally kind and enthusiastic.

“Me dragging you to a party you don’t really want to go to? It’ll be like old times!” Jensen said, laughing. “But that’s tomorrow. What do you want to do tonight?”

“I kinda just want to chill. Maybe we could get take out and watch something?” You said, noting the look that passed between the boys. “What?”

“No. Nothing.” Jared said, looking a bit uncertain as his eyes darted between you and Jensen. “It’s just….my agent said maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try be ‘seen’, try and get some buzz going, lift our profiles while the future of the network is up in the air and stuff. And Sandy’s with her family. So I asked Jen if maybe you’d want us to take you out, y’know…show you some ‘Young Hollywood’ places…a night on the town or something….but I get that it might be a bit lame or whatever….”

“I understand if you just want to stay in. You know it’s not exactly my speed either.” Jensen added. 

“Oh. No. If it’s what’s good for the show and for you guys then…sure…I mean…who can say no to seeing how the other half lives, right?” You said, wanting to do what was best for the boys even if actually what you really wanted to do was get in your PJ’s and talk about stupid shit on a couch with Jensen like old times. “Let me just try and get a little more presentable and then let’s hit the town!” 

“You sure?’ Said Jensen, looking at you curiously though also you noted slightly relieved.

You nodded.

“Yeah!” Jared said. “We’ll have fun. I promise!”

The three of you ended up going for food and then to a bar in West Hollywood. It was very weird. Very different from your usual speed. Different, even, from when you’d visited before.

Clearly there was a huge deal of buzz about the boys and Jared seemed to know lots of people, lots of the kind of people you read about in magazine’s at the doctor’s office.

You ended up in the VIP section of a club that was obviously very ‘cool’. It was loud and full of people and the air throbbed with exclusivity and the frenetic energy of beautiful people wanting, no, needing to be seen.

They were halfway through drinks and telling you the story of how they got jumped that time in that bar and how it had cemented their bond, a story you had heard numerous times before throughout the year but which you didn’t mind hearing again. You found their bromance adorable and loved seeing how close they already were and how special their bond was.

“….and Ackles coulda run…but he came back…and those motherfuckers just knew they’d picked on the wrong guys…he said ‘there’s no way I’m leaving my boy behind’.” Jared said, with clear pride in the loyalty of his friend. Which you totally got. You knew what it was like to be blown away by Jensen’s friendship. You were grinning at the relaying of the tale when you noticed someone…someone who looked familiar…someone who looked like they were on the front of every newspaper and magazine you’d seen for the past few years.

“Is that….is that Paris Hilton waving at you?” You asked.

“Oh..yeah…we were in a movie together….” Jared said, waving back at her across the dark and noisy room. 

“Of course.” You said, knowing that that was true because you’d seen ‘House of Wax’ earlier that year and realising that somehow even though you knew that, your brain had compartmentalised the boys in two separate and distinct boxes as ‘your Jensen and his friend Jared’ and ‘famous celebrity guys Jensen and Jared’ and that despite all Jensen’s previous success; with ‘Smallville’ or ‘Dawson’s Creek’, something about the two of the together - or perhaps it was the new show, or just his star reaching the tipping point of it’s ‘fame’ critical mass - for the first time those lines had really started to blur.

“I should go say ‘Hi!’ But I’ll be right back. Will y’all excuse me for a minute?”

“Sure.” You said, smiling at the manners of the sweet Texas boy in the huge, packed Hollywood club.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen said, leaning in as he raised his voice to be heard over the loud bass of the ‘music’. “This isn’t my scene either but we kind of have to do this…just for now…just to try and ‘be seen’ and make a bit of a name for ourselves or whatever. Just until we know what’s happening with the show and the network and stuff. You know I’d rather be at home watching an old movie or at a dive bar listening to a guy and a guitar…”

You smiled. “I know.” And you did. But you were glad he’d said it anyway, just to remind you that he was still the Jensen you knew and loved.

“Do you hate it?” He asked. “I kinda hate it.”

You laughed. “I don’t hate it. It’s just….a bit rich for my blood, you know. I’m not sure I’m one for rubbing shoulders with ‘It’ girls and people on the cover of ‘Teen Vogue’ or who have their own ‘E! True Hollywood Story’s.”

He looked at you the way he did when he thought you were putting yourself down and he had to correct you.

“I’m not saying ‘I’m not good enough,’” You said, although that was definitely a thought that had crossed your mind. “I’m just saying that I am a fish very far out of water. This life…it’s very alien to me. I know you are famous and successful…I guess it just never hit me in the face so hard before, that’s all.”

“I’m still me.” He said. “This is just for now.”

“I know.” You said, smiling at him reassuringly. You knew that he was. But it was hard not to see him differently right now. He wasn’t just ‘Jensen, the popular guy from school’ anymore….this was a whole new level of ‘different league’. He was an actual film star. How had you not let yourself see that properly before? You had been clinging to the guy who had waited outside your classroom to walk with you to the science block or the guy who had listened to you repeat your closing argument for debate class and clapped after, telling you you were gonna ace the assignment…and now…now he was the guy on the TV and the front of magazine’s. You looked around and saw the way all the gorgeous girls in the club were looking at him. They all looked like, and most likely were, models or actresses. They were beyond beautiful. They were ‘Victoria’s Secret’ and ‘Sport’s Illustrated’ levels of beautiful. And they were all staring at him like he was the last slice of cake at the bakery. You couldn’t blame them. He was heart stoppingly gorgeous. Just like he always had been. 

Over the years, you had purposefully avoided reading about his love life, reasoning that if there was someone special he’d tell you but knowing that he wasn’t exactly a monk either. There was a strict ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy between you. But you’d read and heard the rumours; of actresses and singers…women whose bodies and faces were perfect. It had been easy to just put them to the back of your mind and pretend it didn’t matter…but here, now…this was his life. These were his people. If he was out of your league before, he was playing a whole different sport, on a different planet, now.

Jared came bounding back over. “Paris says there’s some kind of after party at the Beverly Hills Hotel…you guys wanna go?”

You looked at Jensen. “Not really, man.” He said. “We got the network thing tomorrow and I’m kinda over this place. Do you think we’ve been ‘seen’ enough?”

Jared shrugged. “Yeah…I don’t know if it’s my thing either. Y/N?”

“Um…I don’t think Paris and I have loads in common…but if it’s what you guys want?”

“Nah. Fuck it. Let’s go home.” Jared said and you weren’t sure which of the three of you looked more relieved.

You got a cab back to the apartment and Jared got a call from Sandy and disappeared into his room. 

“Wanna watch somethin’?” Jensen asked.

“You know, I’m pretty exhausted…and if we’re going to this thing tomorrow, I should probably try and get some beauty sleep.” You said.

He smiled. “Not that you need it. But sure. Let’s hit the hay.”

You got ready for bed and tucked yourself between the sheets before you heard the knock on the door.

“Come in?” You said, watching as Jensen entered in sweat pants and a huge ‘Dallas Cowboys’ Jersey.

“Hey…is it still cool to share the bed because honestly…I don’t mind the couch at all?”

You laughed at him. “That’s very gentlemanly, J. But it’s cool.”

You’d shared beds many times before. And apart from that one time, the time before he left for LA the first time, it had all been friendly and above board. Well…kind of. Sometimes you ended up spooning in the night. But mostly, it was fine. You reached over and pulled back the comforter on the other side of the bed to tell him to get in. You had no doubt he had meant it when he offered to sleep on the couch, however, he also looked kind of relieved as he bounded over to get into bed.

Once you both settled against the pillows and under the comforter, he turned out the light.

“I am really sorry about tonight.” He said, his deep voice resonating with sincere remorse in the dark silence of the room.

“Stop apologising. I understand, J. It’s part of your job. I get it.”

“Thank you….for being so understanding. God…I wish we could’ve just stayed in and watched ‘Friends’ or something. Like the old days.”

“Have you seen it recently?”

“Nah…don’t really have the time…”

“Ross and Rachel have a kid and Monica and Chandler are married and adopting. It’s the last season. It all got so…grown up.”

He laughed. “We are grown up.”

“I know. How the fuck did that happen?”

“Fucked if I know. People gettin’ married and having kids. Even in the shows we used to watch….”

“Even the people we used to go to lame ass parties with and talk about our weird ass teachers. Even Debbie fuckin’ Bryant…”

“Well…you’ve got a fancy job…”

“Pfft! Says the TV star….”

“I’m still the same.”

“So you keep saying. But you’re not. You’re kind of a big deal…”

“What, like Ron Burgundy?” He asked, referencing ‘Anchorman’ which you’d both watched together on one of your visits here the year before, laughing so hard you’d cried in the movie theatre.

“Well….I wouldn’t go that far….” You said, laughing. “But I mean it Ackles, you’re successful and famous and….you should be really proud.”

“I’m not that famous.” He said.

“Not yet…..and you’re famous enough….and you’ll get more famous.”

“I don’t really care about that shit.”

“I know….I meant what I said before…I really do love the show…”

“Are you…..proud, I mean?”

“Of you? Fuck, yes. I would be even if you were working as a physical therapist back home in Texas, you know that…but…yeah…you said you were gonna come out here and become an actor…do you know how many people say that, every year?? And you actually came here and did it! And more than that…you’re…still a great person…that’s even rarer than the success. I’m really proud.”

He didn’t say anything back but you knew he was pleased. And touched. He softly and playfully ‘kicked’ against your leg across the bed. 

“What?” You said laughing as you ‘kicked’ back. ‘You asked.”

“I dunno, man. It’s weird. My life is so different now but I still feel like the kid who’d ride his bike to your house and we’d watch ‘Ghostbuster’s’ or ‘Die Hard’ on your bed and your Mom would bring us pizza rolls and we’d talk shit all night…or when we’d be on the phone watching some bullshit separately but together…not talking but laughing at all the same parts…don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with my life…the show is great and Jared’s awesome…but…sometimes…I miss those times, y’know.”

“Yeah.” You said, feeling the weird ache of nostalgia as you remembered those days. “I miss ‘em too.”

It was quiet for a second before he spoke again.

“You feelin’ OK about the party tomorrow? I’m sorry to blind side you with it. I just didn’t get how important it was gonna be and I was going to skip it…but now…with the network dying…”

“It’s cool. I get it. I’m glad I packed an emergency dress in case we had to go out…though…I’m still not sure it’ll be fancy enough…I wouldn’t want to let you down by looking like your ‘Raggedy Ann’ pal from home.”

“Shut up.” He said, but not unkindly. “You could go in anything. You always scrub up good.”

“Whatever.” You said, pleased with the compliment but still feeling unsure of going somewhere where the hot ‘WB’ grade babes would be all modelesque and in all their glowing, toned, tanned glory. “If it’s what you need, I’m there…though also…if you wanna go and just focus on schmoozing the bigwigs or whatever, I’m also happy to just stay home and watch Christmas movies on TV until you get back.”

“No! You didn’t come all this way to be on your own!” He said, with conviction before carrying on in a quieter, more heartfelt voice. “I want you to come. Please?”

“Sure, J. Whatever you want…..anyway…I better get some sleep now…” You said, yawning as your long day of travelling and the night out caught up with you. “G’night.”

“Night sweetheart.” He said and it wasn’t long at all before you drifted off.

The next night was the party and though you tried hard to look your best, it was hard not to feel somewhat lacking as you took in the other women at the party. They all looked tanned and glowy, just as you’d suspected they would, in their designer dresses, with their blown out hair. It wasn’t black tie or anything and somehow they managed to look gorgeous and fancy without looking overdressed. You, however, felt just wrong. How you managed to feel both overdressed and not glamorous enough at the same time, you weren’t sure. But you did. The boys had said you looked nice and made flattering wolf whistle noises when they saw you but that’s what they would do, you thought, they were nice boys who would try and make you feel at ease and beautiful. The truth was you felt anything but.

You wanted to hide in the shadows at the edge of the room but that was very hard to do with the two most handsome men in the world on your arm. 

The three of you settled at a table and started drinking, though the boys were clear that they were going to take it easy and try and keep clear headed. You met all manner of ‘important’ people as the night progressed for writers, from actors from other WB shows, to industry people. It was a whirlwind of powerful and glamorous people. You smiled and tried to be winning but for the most part you were respectful and quiet and watched as the boys shone.

They were charming and handsome and funny and winning. They always were but seeing it so concentrated from the both of them was heady. 

You headed to the bar to grab some drinks, leaving the boys talking to someone important at Warner Media. 

How much of your life was going to be spent watching Jensen being awesome and holding court at parties while you looked on in awe and drank at the realisation of how far out of your league he was, you wondered as you watched him from across the room.

“Two beers, a vodka soda and…fuck it…a shot of tequila.” You asked the barman. It was an open bar. “Actually…can you make that two shots of tequila? Thanks!”

You waited as he gathered your drinks, occasionally looking back towards the guys. You were not the only one. Two girls stood next to you at the bar, a little worse for wear, we’re talking loudly and indiscreetly about how hot the guys were. You couldn’t really blame them. You took the girls in and realised you recognised them from TV and from maybe some gossip magazines. They looked flawless and beautiful and like they should have their own reality show.

“They are so fuckin’ hot….I think Jared has a girlfriend though? But the other one….” Said gorgeous brunette.

“Jensen?” Said her friend, gorgeous blonde.

“Yeah…he’s single…and ready to mingle…” They both laughed as if that was the funniest thing they had ever heard.

“I’ll mingle with him any time he wants.”

“You should…I heard he had a thing with that chick?”

“Which one?’

As the barman placed the last of your drinks order in front of you, you gave him a forced smile as pounded both tequila shots as you heard the beautiful girls list a bunch of famous women that had apparently ‘hooked up’ with Jensen. The list was not short and the women on it were all gorgeous women you had seen on screens and glossy pages.

You felt the jealousy in you as it tangled with your insecurity and then with your anger at yourself. He was a gorgeous, handsome, successful, young actor in Hollywood. What exactly had you expected?

You grabbed the drinks and made your way over to the boys, forcing a smile on your face as you offered them their beers and turned on your heel quickly to make your way to the powder room. 

It was not wasted on you that you were once again crying in a bathroom at a party over Jensen and some other, gorgeous, girl. It wasn’t cute when you were 16. It was downright pitiful over a decade on.

‘Don’t cry!’ You screamed at yourself internally as locked yourself in a bathroom stall and knocked back your vodka. You already looked a mess by Hollywood standards, fucked up make up was not going to help. Also Jensen could always tell when you’d been crying and he’d ask what was wrong and that was one conversation you could definitely do without. 

What could you possibly say? I have spent most of my life, since the day we met at 13, being hopelessly, desperately, pointlessly in love with you and at every turn it has been ridiculous because you are perfect and wonderful and everyone loves you, your star burned bright even before you were famous…and now…now it’s not just our school…our town..it’s the whole friggin’ world who sees it and loves you and wants you…and I can’t compete…and I’m tired…I’m tired of loving you and I’m tired of spending all of my life pining for you and wishing things were different and being angry at myself for not being able to get over it and just accepting your beautiful friendship for the gift that it is…I’m tired of never getting over this…I’m tired of being alone because no man ever compares to you…I’m tired of it hurting.

The tears came but you managed to limit the damage to your make up with some clever tissue use. It was depressing in itself that crying in toilets over Jensen at parties had led to you honing this skill.

You gathered yourself, still feeling shitty but ready to put your best few forward and pretend…like you always pretended…that it was fine. That everything was fine.

You left the ladies room and headed back towards the party, fake smile plastered on artfully.

Jensen was talking to some guys in suits and a woman in a silk gunmetal grey dress. You watched as they all looked at him, all hanging on his every word, laughing and being effortlessly charmed. How many times had you watched this play out? You thought. It was the same now as it had been at 15. He really was something else.

“Y’alright?” Said Jared, coming up from behind you on his way back from the bar and passing you another drink.

“Yeah…it’s a great party!” You said and the look on his face showed you that he was not at all convinced by your enthusiasm.

“It’s not.” He said, laughing. “But I think it’s good that we came. There’s talk of moving the show to a whole new network….some merger or something? That’s who J’s talking to right now?…it’d be awesome if we got to keep making it…”

“It really would…I kinda need to know what’s next for Sam and Dean…” You said relieved to be able to say something that didn’t involve a lie.

“I’m sorry we had to drag you here though…”

“Oh..no…it’s like living in the pages of ‘US Weekly’…so exciting….” 

You looked at him and it was beyond obvious that he could see through everything you were saying.

“OK…fine…it sucks.” You said as he laughed, relieved to finally be able to be honest. “But if it helps you guys out…I’m glad we came anyway.”

“We still have the rest of the break to do more fun stuff? I know Jen is real excited about just getting a chance to hang out with you.”

You smiled and nodded. 

“He’s been talking about it all month….” 

You kept the smile on your face unsure what to say in response.

“He talks about you a lot, y’know?”

You scrunched up your face in disbelief. You got that Jared was trying to make you feel not insignificant in this room of ‘very important people’, and you weren’t fishing for compliments, you knew Jensen cared about you and your friendship but you couldn’t imagine him talking about you for protracted periods of time to Jared. Not when there was work to be done, fun to be had and. indeed, an array of beautiful celebrity women to bang.

“You mean a lot to him.” Jared said, in response to your facial expression.

“Well….we’ve been friends a long time.” You said, smiling tightly. “And…you mean a lot to him too, already…I can tell.”

“Yeah…we got on pretty much from Day One…but I don’t think he feels for me what he feels for you….” Then he laughed slightly as you narrowed your eyes at him trying to decipher what exactly he meant. He was clearly slightly buzzed, as were you, and he was amiable and warm hearted as always. 

“Well….I’ve known him since we were 13…so give it time?” You said, as Jared seemed to check himself before carrying on.

“Sure. Yeah.” He said, looking amused by a joke you clearly didn’t get.

“If there’s something you wanna say Jar…feel free…”

“No.” He said, looking slightly awkward and flustered. “I just…I think it would be nice for him to have someone special in his life…like I have Sandy…”

You nodded as you processed what he was saying. “My understanding is there that is no shortage of women lining up to fill that particular role….and some are actresses and just as beautiful…or nearly as beautiful…as lovely Sandra…” You said, smiling at him. “When Ackles is ready to settle down…he’ll have his pick.”

Jared looked like he was about to say something else, though you really didn’t want him to, feeling like the conversation could easily become even more awkward than it already was. Thankfully, your conversation was brought to a halt by Jensen hurriedly making his way over.

“Did Jared tell you?” He said, his face excited and joyful. “There may be a whole new channel and they might be interested in airing another season of the show.”

You grinned widely, genuinely happy for him. “He did. And it’s honestly, fantastic news. I’m really happy for you both.”

“Yeah!” Jensen said, picking you up and twirling you around, his happiness unable to be kept in. “Fuck this! It’s time to celebrate…let’s get some proper drinks?”

“Sure! Let’s do it.” You said, laughing with a practiced fake ease that the weird sad feeling in your heart didn’t actually feel but that you wanted to put out there for the guys. It really was great news. 

As he led the way to the bar, you saw Jared’s face still looking slightly uncomfortable from your earlier conversation. 

You put your arm around him, loosely and squeezed. “Don’t worry. He’s gonna be fine.” You said, brightly to him.

“I hope I didn’t say anythi-”

“You’re totally fine….honestly…better than fine…you’re getting a new season!”

He smiled wide and happy. “Nothing’s final yet.” 

“It will be.” You said, with certainty.

You got to the bar and did shots and champagne. You all drank and laughed and though deep down even though you still felt sad and weird you were glad to be able to push it down and focus on the good news of the night.

“To The Winchester Brothers!” You said, lifting yet another lot of shots.

“Fuck yeah!” Said a grinning Jared.

“I’ll drink to that!” Shouted Jensen.

And you did. Many times.

You were all already pretty wasted by the time you got back to the apartment but Jensen produced a bottle of whiskey and you continued to drink. You had had enough really but you didn’t want to rain on their parade.

Eventually, at about 2am, Jared got up and said he wanted to go call Sandy before he went to bed, leaving just you and Jensen.

“I should probably go to bed too…” You said.

“Fuck that! Stay up and have a drink with me!” Jensen said, his eyes a little lazily hooded and his voice a little slurred from the drinking.

“Is that not what we have been doing so far?” 

“Look,” He said, pouring another shot into each of your glasses. “I think the show is gonna be alright…and I love workin’ on it and I’m just…it’s really fuckin’ good news…and my best friend who I don’t get to see nearly enough is here…and it’s fuckin’ Christmas in a day or two…if we can’t have a few celebratory drinks now…when the fuck can we?”

You took a deep breath, in fairness, it was hard to argue with his logic. “Fine!” You said, lifting your glass to him as you took a sip.

“I am really happy for you, J. For you and Jared.” You said, meaning it.

“Thanks! And I’m happy for you…” He said, in a drunken way that you didn’t really follow.

“For me?”

“A good thing for me is a good thing for you, right?’

You laughed. “Nah…your success is all yours…but I’m happy for you. You deserve it. I mean it…the success…the money, the fame, the hot chicks…”

He looked at you, his eyes narrowing at you curiously. “The ‘hot chicks’?”

“Yeah…” You said, shrugging with fake nonchalance. “I mean…I heard some stuff about some beautiful, famous women…and, come on, J…look at you…I’m not exactly surprised.”

He looked awkward for a moment. “Well…I mean…yeah, I guess…but it’s all just…fun. No one serious or anything.”

You smiled at him, though you felt your internal warning system going off, warning you that you were on dangerous ground.

“I’m sure you had some fun too?” He asked, his look loaded though you weren’t sure with what. 

“It’s not quite the same…random guys from my office aren’t quite the same as the beautiful women from Maxim’s ‘Top 100’.”

“But there have been guys?”

You thought about it. You’d been on some dates over the past few years, had a few flings, they’d all been pretty short lived, haunted as you were by your feelings for Jensen that kept your heart ensnared and unavailable for anyone else.

“I guess.”

“You never tell me about them.”

“You never told me about your…conquests….plus you get weird.”

“What? I do not…and that’s just because you have awful taste in guys and I want you to be with someone worthy of you.”

“Was the actress worthy of you? Or the singer? Or the model?” You asked, aware that there was a note of bitterness under your question.

“Which ones?” He asked, and even though he wasn’t being mean, the question stung all the same.

You forced a smile and nodded your head as if to say ‘Touché’.

“It’s OK for you, Hollywood boy. But like you said last night, we’re getting older. Some of us can’t just roll up to ‘The Viper Room’ and get a bunch of aspiring reality stars to form an orderly queue to try and vie for our affections.”

He shot you a look that told you he had taken that as a low blow.

“What are you gettin’ at?” He asked, not mad but slightly defensive.

“Nothing.” You said, realising that you were just drunk and your sad weird feelings were coming out at him when he didn’t really deserve it. “Honestly, nothing. I’m just..I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about getting older and maybe wanting someone special. I’m not getting at you. I’m just drunk and thinking aloud, I guess….honestly, it’s fine…but this is exactly why I should go to bed.” 

You got up from the couch. “Honestly, Ackles…you’re good.” You said. As you got ready for bed, drunkenly rubbing make up remover over your face and getting into your PJ’s, you reminded yourself that he hadn’t done anything wrong.Your wasted, pining, heart was not his problem. It wasn’t even his fault. He couldn’t help it that you had never managed to fall out of love with him. He couldn’t help it that he was the handsome, charming TV star that was out of your league. This was your problem. But it had also never been clearer, even to your booze addled brain, that it had been years and years, over a decade, more than half of your life, that you had been mooning over him. Watching from corners of rooms as he shone and dazzled. Waiting…for what? Him to magically fall in love with you and settle for you when he could have some gorgeous Hollywood beauty who’d get his life and seamlessly fit within it? This was a wake up call. If you didn’t do something soon you’d just keep going, like you always had, and one day he’d find that woman and settle down and have beautiful kids and you…you’d be in your unglamorous job, in your unremarkable life, having wasted the opportunity to find a love of your own or start a family.

The pattern was never going to change unless you changed it.

You had gotten into bed and turned the light off when he stumbled his way into the room, knocking into the dresser as he made his way around to the other side of the bed.

He got into bed, the smell of whiskey still strong as he rolled over, looking at the back of your head as you faced away from him.

“Y/N?” He loudly stage whispered.

You ignored him, hoping he’d think you were asleep. 

“Y/N?” He said again, louder this time.

“Yeah?” You said, eventually.

“Are you…mad…at me?” He asked, sounding more like a little boy than even when he was one. It hurt your heart to hear the note of sadness in his voice.

“No. Honestly, J…I’m not. You have done nothing wrong. I’m just drunk and feeling a bit sad about my own stuff…you…you’re good, really.”

“Talk to me. I don’t want you to be sad. You can tell me things, you know that, right?”

“I do. It’s cool, I’m just drunk and tired.”

“Y/N….I really hate it when you’re sad. Is this about a relationship or a guy or whatever?”

You didn’t say anything.

“Because…the guy who gets you is gonna be one lucky motherfucker…I really need you to know that.” 

You felt him move closer to you, his arm reaching across you so he could spoon you from behind, pulling you into the tight curve of his body as his head pulled in to rest by your ear.

“You’re the best. The absolute fuckin’ best. Better than any Hollywood anything…better than anyone…I don’t know why I can never get you to see that. I don’t know why, after all these years, you still don’t hear me when I tell you.”

He lay the softest, most gentle kiss against your neck.

“Thanks, J.” You said, quietly, willing yourself not to cry, not allowing yourself to move back against him like really, deep down, you wanted to.

“No….don’t do that. You always do that. You say ‘thank you’ like I’m bein’ nice or some shit. Like it’s polite or kind or charity or something. You don’t hear me. Why don’t you ever hear me? You are the best person I know…you are sweet and kind and funny and smart and just…cool as shit…and…” You felt the arm around you move, and his hand settle on the curve of your waist, snaking under the fabric of your top to make soft, tiny strokes against your skin. “…you are so beautiful. More beautiful than you know.”

It was too hard. Maybe he was saying all of this out of kind friendship but more likely, he did actually mean them. You had never doubted that he cared for you or held you in high regard, higher - probably - than you even deserved, but it wasn’t the same as what you felt for him, and even though so much of you wanted to turn around and kiss him, to feel him, to see where else his hands would wander…another part of you knew it would hurt more tomorrow, in the cold light of day when, even if he didn’t regret it, it would become another strange footnote in the story of your friendship, another moment of closeness and intimacy you had to joke away…and you just weren’t sure you could do that again.

Plus, as his hand moved, all you could imagine were the other soft, smooth, flawless bodies his hands had felt over the years.

You weren’t a model. You weren’t Hollywood toned and chiselled to perfection. You were far, far from flawless. 

“J….stop…” You said, firmly and with a certainty that you didn’t really feel.

He pulled his hand away as if he’d touched a hot stove. “Fuck, Y/N…I’m sorry.”

He softly kissed the back of your head. “I’m really sorry.” He said again as he let go of you and rolled away.

You didn’t talk about that night for the rest of your stay. You managed to breeze past the whole night and just pretend everything was fine and easy and just like always. But deep down inside of you…you felt it. Something in you had changed. Perhaps you’d just reached your threshold for the pain of unrequited love. Perhaps you’d realised how pathetic it was to still be carrying the torch you’d picked up for the beautiful, unattainable boy, when you were 13, so many years ago. In any case, something in you broke that trip and you couldn’t - you wouldn’t - fix it.


	5. Chapter 5

Christmas 2006

“Mom, I’ll be fine. Honestly. There is no reason for you and Dad to not go on your cruise!”

“Well…you know you could come with us? There’ll be other young people there. Lots of people bring their families.”

“I know…but…it’s just not for me. I’ll see you when you get back. Really, I appreciate the offer and I appreciate you saying you’d give it a miss this year but…there’s no need.”

“Maybe you could go visit Jensen again?”

“Mom.”

“I bet he’d love to have you visit.”

“Mom…I’m just going to have a nice, quiet Christmas this year. I’m not a child. I don’t have to…find someone to babysit me. I’m looking forward to it. Just me and ‘Home Alone’…I’ll be like Kevin McCallister. It’s all good! Really. Please just…go and pack.”

“I hate you being by yourself for the holidays.” She said, sounding genuinely sad.

“Well…don’t. I’m going to have a lovely time. I’m really looking forward to it.” You lied.

“OK…well…if you say so.”

“I do. Love you, mom. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

You got off your cell phone and flipped it shut, leaning back against the back of your couch. Your apartment felt quiet and empty.

You wondered what to do.

You had put up a tree and decorated it because it had felt like the right thing to do but now it felt like it just taunted you from the corner of the room, the twinkly lights mocking your loneliness. Holiday decorations not to be seen by anyone but you. A poor attempt at festive joy, like when you’d tried to listen to Christmas songs and Mariah’s voice had seemed to cut to the core of you. Christmas was a time for love and togetherness. You might as well just start saying ‘Bah, humbug’ out loud to yourself as you shuffled around your empty apartment, you thought.

Your mom had been right, you could have gone to Jensen’s. Though you didn’t actually know where he was. He might be in LA, or Vancouver, or maybe even back in Texas for all you knew. It wasn’t that you weren’t talking but more that you’d deliberately scaled back your contact with him after the fiasco of last years’ Christmas break.

You felt bad about it. He’d felt you retreat away from him, asking time and time again, via email, text and phone call if he’d done something to upset you and why wouldn’t you please, just tell him. You’d told him repeatedly that he hadn’t and that everything was fine and you hated the lie. Hated the distance that had grown between you. But it was necessary, you’d told yourself.

Even with less frequent contact and unprecedented lack of trips and visits this year he was still in more or less all of your thoughts; waking and sleeping.

You’d tried to throw yourself into work which was good and killed time and directed your thoughts into more productive pursuits but it was hardly a substitute for him or your friendship.

You’d tried to date, to really put yourself out there. Even tried to keep an open mind and joined Match.com. But it had been no use. Even though he’d never been yours, it seemed like just knowing him and being around him had ruined you for other men. It was hard to settle for what was out there, nice enough though you were sure some of them were, when you knew how great a guy actually existed. You tried to talk yourself into settling but you couldn’t make yourself, not really, and somewhere around the third date you’d find yourself making excuses not to see them again.

The boys had gotten busy too, the show had indeed been picked up by a new network, The CW, and it had gotten another season and although Jensen had asked you if you wanted to hang out over the hiatus break you had said you were busy with work and by all accounts he had hung out with his family and also with Jared; their friendship getting deeper and stronger as time passed. You were glad. It was good that Jensen had a close friend as awesome as Jared.

You had lost count of the number of times you had repeated your new mantra to yourself; ‘It’s for the best.’ 

You had lost count of the nights you’d fallen asleep sad and heartbroken. How could you miss something so bad that wasn’t even really yours? You asked yourself.

But you did.

You missed him.

More than you were sure you could even bear. Yet…here you were.

You’d wondered if you should stop watching the show, as you always had an aching pang in your chest after every episode but you couldn’t bring yourself to. Every episode, you reached for your phone to text him after; ‘Wait, what? Sam’s a psychic?’ Or ‘Dude….you looked badass as hell when you shot that Yellow Eyed Demon!’ But you deleted them every time and they went unsent.

It had been a hard year.

As you sat on the couch, wondering if 8pm was too early to go to bed and if there was anyway you could just sleep through the holidays, you heard a knock on the door. Oh Lord, you thought, perhaps it was your Mom coming to kidnap you and take you on the cruise against your will.

“Mom, I told you, I’m fine. There’s no need to-” You opened the door but it wasn’t your mom stood on the doorstep at all. 

“J? What…what are you doing here?”

He looked at you, sheepishly, as if he was afraid that he wouldn’t be welcome. As if he was afraid that you’d be disappointed to see him. That hurt your heart. As if you could ever feel that way, although, in fairness, you understood why he might think that.

“I was just…in the area…” He said, shrugging. “I was home…seeing the family for Christmas and I would have emailed and asked if you wanted to meet up but…I didn’t know if you’d want to…didn’t seem like you would…but then I was home and it felt weird not to see you at all. Then my Mom saw your Mom at the supermarket and she said you were on your own for Christmas and I just….well…I fuckin’ hated that. I figured you must really not want to see me if you’d rather spend Christmas alone than call me…and I was gonna stay away but…I was driving through this part of town and I just…I had to see you…I had to try…”

You looked at his face. He looked sad and desperate. It tugged at your heart.

“Do you want to come in?” You asked, unsure what to say but knowing you didn’t want to turn him away.

“If you’re sure you don’t mind.” He said, the sadness and uncertainty in his eyes causing you actual pain in your chest.

“Of course I don’t…just…come in, OK?”

He followed you into your lounge, sitting on the edge of your couch, looking uncomfortable and strangely small for a guy who was over 6 foot.

“You want a drink or som-”

“I’m sorry, OK.”

“What?” You asked, looking at the desperation in his eyes and the surge of genuine emotion.

“I’m sorry. For last year. For trying to…for when we were drunk that night, OK? I’m so so sorry. I thought we would just move past it but obviously we haven’t and I should never have done that. I’m so so sorry, Y/N. Please, please…you gotta forgive me.”

He looked like he was holding back tears. You felt your heart ache in your chest for the pain he was so clearly feeling.

“Jen….you have nothing to apologise for. I wasn’t upset or angry. There’s nothing to forgive.”

“But…but…you just stopped. You stopped being my friend. Stopped talking to me.”

“No. I didn’t. I have always been and will always be your friend. I’ll always be there for you. I told you that.”

He scoffed. “Yeah…’Dear J, you keep emailing asking what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. I’ve been busy with work and I’m sure you are busy up in Vancouver too. Please know I’m fine, we’re fine and I’m still always here for you if you need anything. Y/N.’ I got your email.”

“Exactly. And memorised it too, evidently…so…how could you think I stopped being your friend?”

“It was a break up letter.” He said, laughing bitterly. “You said we could be friends but…you were different. You said you’d be there ‘if’ I needed you. But I did. I needed you just like always and you weren’t there. Not really.”

“J…I meant if something was wrong or you needed support or something. You’ve been fine.”

“No. I haven’t. Not all year. I needed my best friend. To talk to, to mess around with…to be like we always have been…”

“You have Jared.”

“Is that what this is about? Are you jealous of Jared?’

“What? No! I love Jared and I’m so glad you guys have each other. No. I’m not jealous. Not at all. How can you think that?”

“You just…..you stopped. You stopped being my friend.”

“No. No, Jen…I didn’t….you say that you needed me to talk to, to ‘mess around with’…like ‘we always have’…can’t you see how fucked that is? Was.”

He visibly flinched at your use of the past tense. “How can you say that? Our friendship…what we have…had…it was the best thing in my life…and you just took it away.”

“Because I can’t be your consolation prize. J, it’s too hard.”

“Consolation prize? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I know that our friendship was…I know it meant a lot to you…meant a lot to me too. But, we were so close. Too close. Between that and the gorgeous women you could cobble together something that took the place of a real relationship. You banged them and you came to me for all the emotional stuff and the laughs and comfort. And that was fine…for a long time, it was fine…and it makes sense and I don’t blame you….but…I can’t do that anymore. It just started to hurt too much.”

“That’s not fair. I never used you as…as…some sort of emotional fluffer? And you know I’d never hurt you. You can’t think that I’d…what?…Use you?”

“No…not on purpose.” You sat down next to him on the couch. You looked into his eyes and saw the hurt in his eyes. You didn’t want to say all the things you’d deliberately kept hidden all these years but also…also he deserved the truth. He deserved more than someone he trusted and who loved him gaslighting him. Your pride would have to take the hit. You’d rather that than lie to him anymore. “J….our friendship has been one of the best things…no, scratch that…the best thing in my life. But it’s also been a lie-”

“What the-”

“Please, just listen to me. Not you. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s me. This is…it’s all me. I fucked up. I let you believe it was ‘just good friends’ and I shouldn’t have. Because it wasn’t. Not really. Not to me….I have been in love with you…completely, stupidly, hopelessly in love with you…since I was 13. Since we met. And I didn’t mean to lie to you or mislead you, I kept hoping it would pass or I’d meet someone else or I’d just realise how ridiculous it was but it just never did…and last year…I saw how completely hopeless it really was. You’re a fucking…you’re a goddamn star, J…I’m not part of your world. And I’ve been watching you shine, watching people be enthralled by you, fall in love with you…pretty much all my life…and I don’t blame them, I get it. But Ackles, man, I’m getting older…I need to try and…move on…I can’t sit and pine for you forever…I’ve got to try…I have to….so you didn’t do anything wrong and I never stopped being your friend…I just had to try and step back, try and…give myself some space…to try.”

His forehead was creased as he looked down at the rug on the floor. He looked confused and you couldn’t blame him. You guessed it was a bit of a bombshell. You sat there in silence as you tried to let him take in all you’d just said.

Eventually he lifted his head to look at you. Every fibre of your being wanted to look away or make a joke or try and downplay what you’d just said, but you tried to hold your nerve. It was embarrassing and it was a whole lot of uncomfortable truth telling, but you owed it to the both of you to finally be brave and own the truth of the situation. Even if it meant shame. Even if it meant losing him forever. Even if it meant the final splintering of your heart that had been slowly breaking for him in slow, infinitesimal, fragments for the most part of your life.

“I…” He trailed off as his mouth opened and closed, struggling to make sense of what you’d just said. 

“It’s OK…if you’re angry or fucked off or just plain freaked out…that’s kind of why I didn’t want to tell you…but…I didn’t want you thinking it was anything you did or that I stopped being your friend or just…it was never easy stepping away from you, J….this year….it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

It was your turn to try and hold back tears now.

“So….always? Since…always?” He asked, his whole face a mask of confusion still.

You nodded. “I’m so sorry.”

“You loved me? Like…’Love’ love…not just friendship love…?”

“‘Fraid so.” You said, trying to force a fake smile but failing.

“So…this whole year…I thought you were mad at me or tired of me or somethin’…but you were…trying to ‘get over’ me?”

“Yeah. You did nothing wrong. If nothing else, J, you gotta believe that.”

“Did it work?” He asked, his confusion momentarily giving way to curiosity.

“Um…no…not really….” You said, honestly but forlornly.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Oh yeah…’Hey Jensen, you know how we’ve been super close all these years? Well, actually all that time when you thought I was just your friend, actually I was secretly in love with you…and I know you’re like this big deal Hollywood actor guy and can have anyone you want including women who are beautiful for a goddamn living but maybe you should settle for me…little old boring, normal me’..”

“OK.” He said, looking at you, the confusion and curiosity giving way to something else. “You’re not boring and you’re not normal and it’s not settling. But also, OK.”

“What?….I don’t…What are you talking about?” It was your face twisting in confusion now. 

“I don’t understand how I didn’t know how you felt, all this time. But I mean…you obviously didn’t know how I felt this whole time either. And yeah, I don’t want anyone else. Never have. Yeah, there have been women, good looking ones, I guess…but…did you never wonder why there has never been anyone serious this whole time?”

“Well…I mean…I figured you were just doing that whole ‘Hollywood Playboy’ thing?”

He looked at you as if you were an idiot trying his last nerve but you knew that face and it wasn’t anger, it was usually playful annoyance if anything. He rolled his eyes.

“‘Hollywood Playboy’…no…you’re so…what?”

“I don’t understand.” You said. You felt genuinely confused by everything he was saying. Because it sounded like he was saying he had feelings for you too…and that couldn’t be what he was saying. It just couldn’t be.

“Which part?” He asked.

“Any of it…J, ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been like the guy…’the guy’…from parties at our friends’ houses to parties in Hollywood…I’ve watched you be this star…even before you were a star…the guy all the girls wanted…a lot of the guys too…”

“And I watched you…never needing to be the centre of attention, never needing to be anything apart from who you were…never seeing how awesome you were…I tried to show you…all this time, I tried…and that’s on me because I should’ve tried harder, should’ve found a way. I don’t know about being ‘the guy’ or people wanting me…but I know you were always ‘the girl’…always….and I only ever wanted you…”

“But…all the beautiful girls…”

“There weren’t that many.” He said, his eyebrow raising itself at you. “And…I just thought…I couldn’t have you…so what was I supposed to do…sit around cryin’ and lonely? But…and don’t get me wrong…I know there have been some beautiful women…some really cool one’s too…but sweetheart…none of them stood a chance…because none of them were you.”

You stared at him, blinking slowly as you tried through sheer force of will to take in what he was saying.

“I thought you just thought I was this…guy who was your friend but you was also this…guy who did all these extra curriculars you thought were stupid and hung out with people you didn’t like and made you go to parties you didn’t want to go to. I knew you loved me, sort of, but I thought it was as a friend. I never thought….” He looked at you and his face broke out into a smile, that Hollywood Movie Star smile that he’d had before going to Hollywood have even been on the cards. “…I never thought you loved me. Not the way I loved you. The way I loved you from the first moment I saw you, the first day we kissed. My first ever kiss. Before I knew what love even was, I loved you.”

“What?!” You’d say it was a dream but you’d never even let yourself dream about him saying those words to you. They had seemed too far fetched even for your imagination.

“I love you.” He said, again, slowly but surely moving across your couch to sit next to you as he lifted a hand up to cup the side of our face, his thumb stroking gently against your cheek bone as he looked into your eyes. “This year, being distant from you…it’s been…” He looked pained. “…don’t do that again, OK?”

You nodded against the warmth of his palm against your cheek.

“And you’re sure? That you feel…what you said?” He asked.

“Yeah. It’s like the only thing I’ve ever been sure about. I love you, J.”

His smile widened, spreading across his handsome, gorgeous face. The one that had been making you weak since you were a 13 year old kid, seeing a cute boy at a party that you hadn’t even wanted to go to.

“I love you so fuckin’ much.” He said as he leaned forward, his eyes gently shutting as he did, and his soft, full lips slowly rising against yours, you weren’t sure if your first kiss or this one felt more life changing. You just knew that it felt good, better than good, it was amazing, nothing had ever felt at the same time so ‘right’ and yet also so extraordinarily magical….and it was him. 

It had always been him. And maybe now, finally, it was OK to let yourself accept that it always, always would be.


End file.
